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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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All Flights Grounded After FAA Officials Suddenly Realize That Man Was Not Meant To Fly

WASHINGTON—Shortly after 3 p.m. today, the Federal Aviation Administration ordered the immediate grounding of all commercial and private aircraft, a result of top officials' collective realization that humankind was never meant to fly. "It is wrong—nay, foolish—for lowly man to aspire to the realm of birds and dare to soar across the firmament in unholy flight," said FAA administrator Randy Babbitt, announcing the indefinite cancellation of all 87,000 daily flights through U.S. airspace. "Alas, man's destiny lies not amongst the clouds. So let us be guided by hubristic folly no longer and embrace our terrestrial provenance." Addressing concerns from thousands of disaffected passengers, Babbitt also stated that man was not meant to be reunited with any luggage that had been bumped onto a later flight.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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