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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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All Hail The Toad!

Hey OSNation!

The Toad is BACK in 2011 and he's slinging predictions like he's running out of fish heads! Go ahead and double check his picks at your own peril; the Toad senses doubt and he will absolutely spew ink all over anyone that doesn't respect his powers!

Just in case you forgot, here's the Toad's recent resume:

  • Knew John Fox would finish his Panthers career 2-14 and later helm the Broncos
  • To date, is dead on predicting when and how Terrell Owens' cries for help would take place
  • Has forecast every single major world tragedy for the past 14 years
  • Has nailed the breed of all the Westminster Dog Show winner, even the beagle
  • Never sleeps, instead muttering the day-to-day signings and transactions of the Houston Astros
  • Ate the octopus that predicted the World Cup winners
  • Predicted Josh McDaniels' firing seven years ago (in the same sentence, predicted McDaniels would be 'consumed by fire slime' so look for that!)

Got a question for the Toad? Post a comment on the Onion SportsDome Facebook wall.

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