adBlockCheck

All-Knowing Invisible Hand Of Free Market Once Again Guides Millions In Profits To Nation’s Bead Stores

Top Headlines

Finance

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

All-Knowing Invisible Hand Of Free Market Once Again Guides Millions In Profits To Nation’s Bead Stores

PRINCETON, NJ—Citing the teachings of classical laissez-faire economics, leading economists explained Tuesday that the all-knowing invisible hand of free-market capitalism had yet again guided millions of dollars in profits to bead stores across the nation. “When left to govern themselves, the forces of supply and demand will always allocate money and resources most efficiently between market actors, in this case, by redistributing tens of millions of dollars of individuals’ earnings to purveyors of loose glass, crystal, pewter, and acrylic beads each year,” said Princeton University economist Markus Brunnermeier, confirming that the principles of competitive markets put forth by pioneering 18th-century thinker Adam Smith ensured that stores with names such as Beadniks, String-A-Strand, and Fun 2 Bead would continue to thrive commercially. “Given that producers and consumers have freedom of choice to buy and sell wares as they please, our current market, in which stores make thousands upon thousands of dollars a day by selling beads, wires on which to string beads, and offering evening classes in custom beaded bracelet making, is, by definition, the optimal outcome for society as a whole.” Brunnermeier also added that the principles of the division of labor put forth by Adam Smith in his seminal treatise The Wealth Of Nations ensured that workers at bead stores all display extremely heightened levels of skill and productivity at their positions.

Finance Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close