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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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All Of Man’s Time-Wasting Websites Exhausted Before Lunch

ST. CLOUD, MN—Saying that he was now “paying the price” for his failure to properly pace himself, Talos Analytics junior marketing associate Cameron Gaither, 28, admitted to reporters Wednesday that he had completely exhausted all of his usual time-wasting websites well before lunchtime. “Christ, I’ve already checked all of today’s Gawker posts and everything new on Boing Boing and it’s not even noon yet,” said Gaither, noting that he had additionally “plowed through” the latest updates on Fail Blog, Texts From Last Night, and Bleacher Report, where he typically fritters away his time throughout the course of a full workday. “Man, I’m really running out of ideas here. I’ve even taken another pass at the XKCD archives and burned through just about every subreddit I can think of. What the hell am I supposed to do for the next six hours?” Gaither confirmed that his current dilemma was the worst he’d faced since last week when he got roped into attending a morning sales meeting and consequently had to spend the rest of the day fervently catching up on all of the online time-squandering he’d missed.

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