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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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All Of Pregnant Woman's Favorite Names Used Up On Cats

EUGENE, OR—Seven months pregnant with her first child, veteran cat lady Claudia Beck, 38, said Monday that she has already used all of her favorite names on her cats. "I've got Madison, Emily, Tyler, Jonathan, Claudia Jr., Dakota, and Todd," Beck said. "Then there's Smokey and Midnight, who are strays I feed." As of press time, Beck and the baby's father, animal-shelter assistant Rich Delgado, were considering naming their child "Boots."

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