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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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All Those Years Shopping At Independent Bookstore Wasted

AUSTIN, TX—Reacting to news that independent outfit Shaker House Books had closed Monday, longtime customer Stephanie Brear said she couldn't believe she "flushed seven years down the toilet" patronizing the local store. "I put so much time into supporting my quirky local bookshop, with its charming window displays and us-versus-the-world attitude, and for what?" said Brear, adding that she even went through the trouble of befriending the husband-and-wife owners and their cat, Ulysses. "Countless hours wasted quietly browsing their shelves when I could have just ordered this shit for way cheaper online." Brear told reporters that the next time she needs gardening supplies, the little hardware store around the corner can go fuck itself, because she's going to Home Depot.

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