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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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All-Time Rays Great Evan Longoria Throws Out First Pitch Of World Series

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Evan Longoria, the Tampa Bay legend who is widely acknowledged as the Rays' all-time greatest player, was celebrated by the franchise Wednesday when the rookie was given the honor of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch of the World Series. "I couldn't think of anyone more deserving than Evan, who is easily the most outstanding player in this team's storied 10-year history," Manager Joe Maddon said of Longoria, who played all six months of his career with the club. "Younger baseball fans might not realize it, but some day, say a year from now, they'll look back and remember when they saw the Rays honor the best to ever play a regular season with the team." After throwing out the first pitch, Longoria waved to the cheering crowd and jogged to his position at third base.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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