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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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All Y'All Urged To Go Fuck Yo' Selves

DETROIT—In a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves Monday. "Y'all be bullshit," said Combs in a 3:17 a.m. address from the corner of Woodward Avenue and Grand Boulevard. "And yo' mama, too." Monday's statement marked the normally reclusive Combs' first since an October 1998 appeal to Detroit's city council to kiss his big, black ass. Representatives for all y'all have not yet responded to Combs' themselves-fucking offer.

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