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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Allegations May Tarnish Derrick Rose's Academic Achievements

CHICAGO—An NCAA report released Monday alleging altered grades on high school transcripts and a fraudulent SAT exam could forever blemish the record Bulls point guard Derrick Rose achieved during his two semesters at the University of Memphis. "This has disturbing implications for the academic legacy of the Tigers' basketball program and is an upsetting matter for our fans, all of whom would be utterly devastated to learn that a player was admitted to this institution without meeting its minimum scholastic requirements," said University of Memphis spokesperson Henry Jackson, who added that the school has always emphasized education. "That one of his grades in high school might have been changed from a 'D' to a 'C' is a painful thing to hear for all those who followed Rose's grade point average so closely and trusted him to add to the wealth of human knowledge." Rose has also refused to acknowledge accusations that he did not attend any classes during the spring semester of his freshman year.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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