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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Allegations May Tarnish Derrick Rose's Academic Achievements

CHICAGO—An NCAA report released Monday alleging altered grades on high school transcripts and a fraudulent SAT exam could forever blemish the record Bulls point guard Derrick Rose achieved during his two semesters at the University of Memphis. "This has disturbing implications for the academic legacy of the Tigers' basketball program and is an upsetting matter for our fans, all of whom would be utterly devastated to learn that a player was admitted to this institution without meeting its minimum scholastic requirements," said University of Memphis spokesperson Henry Jackson, who added that the school has always emphasized education. "That one of his grades in high school might have been changed from a 'D' to a 'C' is a painful thing to hear for all those who followed Rose's grade point average so closely and trusted him to add to the wealth of human knowledge." Rose has also refused to acknowledge accusations that he did not attend any classes during the spring semester of his freshman year.

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