Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

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CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing

Almost No One

WASHINGTON—Though officials apparently assumed they would get away with a deeply corrupt inside deal Tuesday, this morning’s edition of The Onion confirmed that one news organization—and only one news organization—had been onto them all along. “I honestly thought no one would have the guts or the expertise to report on such a complex story,” said Washington lobbyist Lawrence Cade, who, as a result of the article’s clarity and emotional depth—something rarely seen in political reporting—was arrested Monday along with a group of 26 others, including House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “I should have known the one news source that takes its responsibility as watchdog and gatekeeper more seriously than anyone else would have been working on this shocking story from the moment I picked up the phone and called the CEO of Monsanto.” Government officials who were taken into custody told reporters they would plead guilty to all charges, saying it would be impossible to find any holes in The Onion’s coverage of the illicit plot.