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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing

Almost No One

WASHINGTON—Though officials apparently assumed they would get away with a deeply corrupt inside deal Tuesday, this morning’s edition of The Onion confirmed that one news organization—and only one news organization—had been onto them all along. “I honestly thought no one would have the guts or the expertise to report on such a complex story,” said Washington lobbyist Lawrence Cade, who, as a result of the article’s clarity and emotional depth—something rarely seen in political reporting—was arrested Monday along with a group of 26 others, including House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “I should have known the one news source that takes its responsibility as watchdog and gatekeeper more seriously than anyone else would have been working on this shocking story from the moment I picked up the phone and called the CEO of Monsanto.” Government officials who were taken into custody told reporters they would plead guilty to all charges, saying it would be impossible to find any holes in The Onion’s coverage of the illicit plot.

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