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Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing

Almost No One

WASHINGTON—Though officials apparently assumed they would get away with a deeply corrupt inside deal Tuesday, this morning’s edition of The Onion confirmed that one news organization—and only one news organization—had been onto them all along. “I honestly thought no one would have the guts or the expertise to report on such a complex story,” said Washington lobbyist Lawrence Cade, who, as a result of the article’s clarity and emotional depth—something rarely seen in political reporting—was arrested Monday along with a group of 26 others, including House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “I should have known the one news source that takes its responsibility as watchdog and gatekeeper more seriously than anyone else would have been working on this shocking story from the moment I picked up the phone and called the CEO of Monsanto.” Government officials who were taken into custody told reporters they would plead guilty to all charges, saying it would be impossible to find any holes in The Onion’s coverage of the illicit plot.

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