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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing

Almost No One

WASHINGTON—Though officials apparently assumed they would get away with a deeply corrupt inside deal Tuesday, this morning’s edition of The Onion confirmed that one news organization—and only one news organization—had been onto them all along. “I honestly thought no one would have the guts or the expertise to report on such a complex story,” said Washington lobbyist Lawrence Cade, who, as a result of the article’s clarity and emotional depth—something rarely seen in political reporting—was arrested Monday along with a group of 26 others, including House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “I should have known the one news source that takes its responsibility as watchdog and gatekeeper more seriously than anyone else would have been working on this shocking story from the moment I picked up the phone and called the CEO of Monsanto.” Government officials who were taken into custody told reporters they would plead guilty to all charges, saying it would be impossible to find any holes in The Onion’s coverage of the illicit plot.

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