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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Alternate-Universe James Hetfield Named Taco Bell Employee Of The Month

LABREA, CA—Alternate-universe sources reported Monday that Metallica frontman James Hetfield has been named Taco Bell employee of the month for April 1999.

Hetfield, who has worked at the Petaluma Avenue Taco Bell since October 1996 in the parallel reality, was praised by store management for his promptness, courteousness and professionalism.

"James is a fine employee," assistant manager Doug Kruczek said. "I think he has a very bright future here at Taco Bell."

The employee-of-the-month honor was Hetfield's first since joining the Taco Bell team. In June 1995, he was named employee of the month at El Pollo Loco, and in May 1991, he received the award at Walgreens. The alternate Hetfield has held a wide variety of jobs since his 1981 high-school graduation, including janitor, landscaper, dishwasher and prep cook.

"I just want to get out of this dead-end town someday," Hetfield said. "I don't know, maybe I can get a job as a roadie for Motörhead or something. That would be pretty cool."

Added Hetfield: "Sabbath rules."

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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