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FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Alternate-Universe James Hetfield Named Taco Bell Employee Of The Month

LABREA, CA—Alternate-universe sources reported Monday that Metallica frontman James Hetfield has been named Taco Bell employee of the month for April 1999.

Hetfield, who has worked at the Petaluma Avenue Taco Bell since October 1996 in the parallel reality, was praised by store management for his promptness, courteousness and professionalism.

"James is a fine employee," assistant manager Doug Kruczek said. "I think he has a very bright future here at Taco Bell."

The employee-of-the-month honor was Hetfield's first since joining the Taco Bell team. In June 1995, he was named employee of the month at El Pollo Loco, and in May 1991, he received the award at Walgreens. The alternate Hetfield has held a wide variety of jobs since his 1981 high-school graduation, including janitor, landscaper, dishwasher and prep cook.

"I just want to get out of this dead-end town someday," Hetfield said. "I don't know, maybe I can get a job as a roadie for Motörhead or something. That would be pretty cool."

Added Hetfield: "Sabbath rules."

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