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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Alternative Theater Waits Three Hours For Stragglers

AUSTIN, TX—Maurice Juarez has held up an evening performance of Ashcans And Ticker Tape: A Treatise for three hours, hoping to get more late-arriving patrons, the owner and manager of the Austin ArtSpace theater reported. "People who enjoy alternative theater are all about opening their minds, so they don't pay attention to restrictive things like curtain times," said Juarez, who is also the play's author, director, producer, and choreographer. "I put up 200 flyers, so I fully expect this show to sell out." As of press time, 14 of the theater's 22 seats remained empty.

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