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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Alumni Furious Over High School's Constant Improvements

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Former students of Traverse City High School became utterly incensed Wednesday after learning their alma mater had undergone yet another series of dazzling and expensive improvements that they would never be able to enjoy. "Of course they wait until we leave to install a bunch of frozen yogurt machines!" alumnus Adam Nelson said after speaking on the phone with his younger brother, TCHS sophomore Ryan Nelson, who told him about the new vending devices. "If those ungrateful bastards get the lockers with the locks built right into them, I'll fucking lose it." A number of recent graduates have expressed similar anger over the newly paved track and better air-conditioning units, saying they will protest any further upgrades by continuing not to give the school money.

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