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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Alumni Furious Over High School's Constant Improvements

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Former students of Traverse City High School became utterly incensed Wednesday after learning their alma mater had undergone yet another series of dazzling and expensive improvements that they would never be able to enjoy. "Of course they wait until we leave to install a bunch of frozen yogurt machines!" alumnus Adam Nelson said after speaking on the phone with his younger brother, TCHS sophomore Ryan Nelson, who told him about the new vending devices. "If those ungrateful bastards get the lockers with the locks built right into them, I'll fucking lose it." A number of recent graduates have expressed similar anger over the newly paved track and better air-conditioning units, saying they will protest any further upgrades by continuing not to give the school money.

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