adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Alumni Furious Over High School's Constant Improvements

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Former students of Traverse City High School became utterly incensed Wednesday after learning their alma mater had undergone yet another series of dazzling and expensive improvements that they would never be able to enjoy. "Of course they wait until we leave to install a bunch of frozen yogurt machines!" alumnus Adam Nelson said after speaking on the phone with his younger brother, TCHS sophomore Ryan Nelson, who told him about the new vending devices. "If those ungrateful bastards get the lockers with the locks built right into them, I'll fucking lose it." A number of recent graduates have expressed similar anger over the newly paved track and better air-conditioning units, saying they will protest any further upgrades by continuing not to give the school money.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close