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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Alumni Magazine Tiptoeing Around Campus Shooting

CONROE, TX—Campus sources confirmed the Yateson College alumni magazine The Yateson Voice released its November issue on Tuesday, delicately sidestepping any overt mention of the late August shooting rampage that left six students dead and 23 wounded. “The spirit of renewal is in the air at Yateson this fall, starting with the complete renovation of the second floor of the library,” read the editor’s letter of the magazine, which also featured pieces on the school’s upcoming fall theater production, the library’s newly installed “military-grade” metal detectors, and the new cafeteria dining options. “We’ve also doubled the size of our campus police and vastly expanded our mental health services, each improvement part of our plan to make Yateson better than ever!” The magazine also reportedly features over 550 uses of the word “safe.”

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