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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Alumni Magazine Tiptoeing Around Campus Shooting

CONROE, TX—Campus sources confirmed the Yateson College alumni magazine The Yateson Voice released its November issue on Tuesday, delicately sidestepping any overt mention of the late August shooting rampage that left six students dead and 23 wounded. “The spirit of renewal is in the air at Yateson this fall, starting with the complete renovation of the second floor of the library,” read the editor’s letter of the magazine, which also featured pieces on the school’s upcoming fall theater production, the library’s newly installed “military-grade” metal detectors, and the new cafeteria dining options. “We’ve also doubled the size of our campus police and vastly expanded our mental health services, each improvement part of our plan to make Yateson better than ever!” The magazine also reportedly features over 550 uses of the word “safe.”

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