adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Alumni Magazine Tiptoeing Around Campus Shooting

CONROE, TX—Campus sources confirmed the Yateson College alumni magazine The Yateson Voice released its November issue on Tuesday, delicately sidestepping any overt mention of the late August shooting rampage that left six students dead and 23 wounded. “The spirit of renewal is in the air at Yateson this fall, starting with the complete renovation of the second floor of the library,” read the editor’s letter of the magazine, which also featured pieces on the school’s upcoming fall theater production, the library’s newly installed “military-grade” metal detectors, and the new cafeteria dining options. “We’ve also doubled the size of our campus police and vastly expanded our mental health services, each improvement part of our plan to make Yateson better than ever!” The magazine also reportedly features over 550 uses of the word “safe.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close