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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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AMA: Plastic Surgery 'Only A Few Years Away' From Making Someone Look Better

NEW YORK—American Medical Association spokeswoman Dr. Marlene German told reporters at a press conference Tuesday that, after nearly a half-century of advancements in the field, doctors are now only "a few years away" from being able to make patients look better, rather than worse, following plastic surgery.

"Soon, a person will leave the hospital with an appearance that is younger, healthier, and more attractive, instead of looking like some horrific, pinch-faced thing from another world," German said. "We thank the hundreds of thousands of plastic surgery patients who have helped us get to this point. Without trial and error, and the inevitable freakish failures that result, there could be no progress."

Following the announcement, women nationwide made appointments for second and third plastic surgery procedures, hoping that the new techniques might eventually help them look halfway normal again.

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