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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Amateur-Photography Tips

Photography can be a fun and rewarding hobby. Here are some helpful hints to get aspiring shutterbugs started:

Girl with camera.


  • If you're unsure how your pictures are coming along, don't be afraid to open the camera and hold the film up to the sun for a sneak peek.
  • Some photographers use a tripod for stability, but for maximum steadiness, use a dodecapod.
  • Variety is key! For a change of pace, try folding back the labial lips.
  • If surrounded by a group of thugs who want to steal your camera, simply fawn over them and insist that you can make them stars.
  • Shutter speed is crucial in photography somehow.
  • Don't take your film to Walgreens for development. Those guys are, like, Nazis.
  • Rather than gawking at attractive women who pass you on the street, take a picture. It will last longer.
  • Make sure the subjects of your photos are always smiling. No one likes a frowny-face.
  • Amaze your friends with the remarkable Mini Secret Spy Camera! Fits in pocket. Undetectable. Weighs 2 1/2 oz. Precision ground lens. Film included. Super! . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.25
  • Vinnie DiResta of Brooklyn, NY, has got something you can take a picture of right here.
  • Dogs wearing funny hats always make for a powerful artistic statement.
  • European photo magazines are an excellent way to see naked women without feeling like a dirty lech.
  • Kodachrome film will give you the nice bright colors, give you the greens of summer, make you think all the world's a sunny day. Oh, yeah.
  • Avoid photographing Native Americans, because they believe taking a picture steals a part of a person's soul. Instead, take pictures of Germans. They eat that shit up.
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