adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Amazing Medical Discovery To Add Years Of Fish-Oil Consumption To Man's Life

ORLAND, IN—Amazing new medical findings concerning the cholesterol-regulating properties of omega-3 fatty acids could offer Indiana resident Alex Kessler five to 10 more years of pouring fish oil on everything from salads to pasta or consuming it in capsule form.

"This discovery has totally changed my life," said Kessler, who vowed to swallow the foul-tasting oil in protein shakes and choke down trout fillet after trout fillet. "And if I really stick with it, why, I bet I could keep on cutting unnecessary carbs and doing yoga every day until I'm 90."

Kessler, 36, began taking his health more seriously after the 2006 death of his father, who passed away in his sleep at 68 after getting drunk with friends at a backyard barbecue and eating the best ribs of his life.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close