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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Amazing Medical Discovery To Add Years Of Fish-Oil Consumption To Man's Life

ORLAND, IN—Amazing new medical findings concerning the cholesterol-regulating properties of omega-3 fatty acids could offer Indiana resident Alex Kessler five to 10 more years of pouring fish oil on everything from salads to pasta or consuming it in capsule form.

"This discovery has totally changed my life," said Kessler, who vowed to swallow the foul-tasting oil in protein shakes and choke down trout fillet after trout fillet. "And if I really stick with it, why, I bet I could keep on cutting unnecessary carbs and doing yoga every day until I'm 90."

Kessler, 36, began taking his health more seriously after the 2006 death of his father, who passed away in his sleep at 68 after getting drunk with friends at a backyard barbecue and eating the best ribs of his life.

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