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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Ambassador Holding Phrasebook 'Pretty Sure' She Just Strengthened Ties With Pakistan

KARACHI—Armed with a brand-new Urdu phrasebook, the U.S. ambassador to Pakistan, Anne Patterson, said at a press conference Wednesday that she was "fairly certain" she had strengthened her country's bonds of friendship with Pakistan during a recent trip to the country. "Pakistan is an important partner in the region, and I got the general sense that I successfully affirmed our everlasting commitment to their great nation," said Patterson, who described a much-needed moment of levity during the talks when she may or may not have made a joke about growing up in Arkansas. "And, judging by the way [Pakistani ambassador Husain Haqqani] smiled when I was done talking, America has committed an additional $60 million in aid for victims of the recent floods. Unless it was $600 million." Haq≠qani told reporters he speaks fluent English.

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