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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Ambassador Holding Phrasebook 'Pretty Sure' She Just Strengthened Ties With Pakistan

KARACHI—Armed with a brand-new Urdu phrasebook, the U.S. ambassador to Pakistan, Anne Patterson, said at a press conference Wednesday that she was "fairly certain" she had strengthened her country's bonds of friendship with Pakistan during a recent trip to the country. "Pakistan is an important partner in the region, and I got the general sense that I successfully affirmed our everlasting commitment to their great nation," said Patterson, who described a much-needed moment of levity during the talks when she may or may not have made a joke about growing up in Arkansas. "And, judging by the way [Pakistani ambassador Husain Haqqani] smiled when I was done talking, America has committed an additional $60 million in aid for victims of the recent floods. Unless it was $600 million." Haq≠qani told reporters he speaks fluent English.

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