Science & Technology

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Ambitious New High-Speed Rail Plan Will Fly Americans To Japan To Use Their Trains

Obama says his high-speed rail plan will allow U.S. citizens to travel virtually anywhere in Japan safely, dependably, and efficiently.
Obama says his high-speed rail plan will allow U.S. citizens to travel virtually anywhere in Japan safely, dependably, and efficiently.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring the United States’ transportation network “into the 21st century,” President Barack Obama unveiled an ambitious new high-speed rail plan Friday that will fly Americans to Japan in order to use the island nation’s extensive, state-of-the-art train system.

According to the president, the $80 billion initiative will subsidize airline tickets between the U.S. and several major Japanese cities, allowing the American people to enjoy all the benefits of a modernized network of high-speed trains as soon as their international flights touch down in the East Asian country.

“After years of lagging behind other industrialized nations, this new plan at last provides our citizens with a cutting-edge passenger train network that will rival the world’s most advanced transit systems,” said Obama at a morning press conference, touting Japan’s fast, safe, and comfortable Shinkansen rail network as a vital upgrade to the U.S.’s outdated Amtrak service. “Under this new plan, all Americans will be able to travel quickly and reliably between hundreds of destinations by simply taking a trans-Pacific flight across nine time zones and then boarding one of dozens of lightning-fast, ultramodern trains.”

“The transit system that the U.S. has needed for so long is now just a 7,000-mile plane journey to Tokyo’s Narita International Airport and a brief passage through Japanese customs away,” Obama continued.

In his speech, the president emphasized the vast improvement in efficiency that would be achieved through his proposal, claiming that residents of population centers such as Miami, Seattle, and Detroit would soon have ready access to 1,500 miles of dedicated high-speed rail tracks via a short drive to their nearest airport and a series of connecting flights and layovers.

Administration officials stressed that, after their transoceanic journey, Americans would be able to avoid the hassles of driving by “sitting back and relaxing” on a bullet train as they crossed the countryside at speeds of up to 200 miles per hour, passing through both major cities and smaller, rural prefectures on the Tōkaidō line and seven other reliable, congestion-free rail routes. Additionally, White House officials noted that passengers would be able to travel between Tokyo and Osaka in just two and a half hours, following their 10 or more hours of plane travel.

Sources confirmed that the new system would also be far more environmentally sound than current transportation methods, as Americans would no longer have to depend on fuel-intensive, smog-producing automobiles or buses and could instead travel across the landscape of a different continent in comfort aboard the rail system’s fully electric and “whisper-quiet” train cars.

“Imagine stretching out in a spacious berth in a sleek, 16-car Hikari train following a quick red-eye from O’Hare, LAX, or LaGuardia,” Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx told reporters, noting that travelers will have the option of either purchasing individual tickets for the kakueki teisha trains or acquiring a 21-day unlimited pass for approximately 60,000 yen. “Any American citizen who wants to experience the ease of high-speed rail travel, and who has an up-to-date passport and an English-Japanese phrase book, will be able to fly straight to Japan to do so.”

Thousands of commuters confirmed that they have already booked their overseas plane tickets in order to take advantage of punctual, frequent rail service between major Japanese cities, hailing the new system as a welcome alternative to the stress and waste of existing U.S. transportation methods.

“Around here, we don’t have that many dependable mass transit choices, so I’m excited about trying out these new trains once I can get a few days off from work and take a flight over,” said Cincinnati resident Christopher Thomas. “Now, there’s nothing stopping me from packing a suitcase, hopping on a 747, and, after filling out and submitting an official declaration form upon arrival, taking a train absolutely anywhere I want within the country.”

“It’s great,” he added. “I’m just glad the U.S. finally decided to invest in our future and make high-speed rail travel a reality.”


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