Ambitious Social Media Startup Has Long-Term 3-Month Plan For Company

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Partying

Ambitious Social Media Startup Has Long-Term 3-Month Plan For Company

SAN FRANCISCO—In an announcement that has reportedly set Silicon Valley abuzz, representatives from ambitious social media startup Woo Woo confirmed Monday they had developed a long-term three-month business plan for the future of their firm. “As a company that has, from its very inception nine days ago, been focused on the forefront of interactivity, we at Woo Woo are proud to say we have laid out a rock-solid plan for our company that will guide us for weeks and even months to come,” read a company press release, which refrained from mentioning Woo Woo’s business aims, user features, or general purpose whatsoever, yet included the words “exclusive online community” a total of 63 times. “Though the world of startups is notoriously volatile, we can announce with confidence that our aggressive 90-day strategy will ensure Woo Woo remains a lasting presence in the social media landscape through mid-September and perhaps beyond. With an online platform this disruptive, we are confident that users will flock to us by the millions and will continue to engage with our brand through the entire summer of 2014.” With such an ambitiously long timeline laid out before it, Woo Woo is already in “private beta” and was recently awarded $13 million in seed funding that company officials confirmed will be carefully allocated to inflated executive salaries, break room foosball table maintenance, and a branding division devoted entirely to rhetorically veiling what exactly the company actually does.

Next Story