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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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America, China Trying To Spice Up Trade Relationship By Bringing Third Country Into Negotiations

WASHINGTON—Saying their current process of establishing economic pacts had become stale and predictable, high-ranking government officials from the United States and China confirmed Monday that the two nations had decided to try spicing up their trade relationship by bringing a third country into their negotiations. “We’ve been trading with each other for such a long time now that we thought introducing another partner into our talks could help shake us out of our set routine,” said U.S. trade representative Michael Froman, who noted that after several decades of bilaterally negotiating tariffs and import quotas, both countries were able to anticipate each other’s offers and counter-proposals to an extent that had drained all spontaneity from the relationship. “We realize there are risks, and there are still kinks to be worked out. For example, we’ve had our eye on a Scandinavian country for some time, while China’s been pushing hard to get us involved with a Latin American nation. But we both agree that if we’re honest about our economic wants and needs, we may find a country that will not only revitalize our trade relationship, but bring us closer together than ever before.” Froman added that the U.S. would be careful not to make the same mistake it did with Venezuela a few years back, when a jealous tiff over petroleum exports led to a series of economically painful sanctions that has left the two no longer on speaking terms.

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