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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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America Ends Love Affair With McKayla Maroney After Finding Out She’s 16

WASHINGTON—Just two months after the close of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, the nation’s love affair with gold-medal-winning gymnast McKayla Maroney came to an abrupt end Tuesday after Americans discovered she is only 16 years old. “Whoa,” 31-year-old Greg Adamko said upon learning that Maroney was born in 1995, adding that he “totally thought she was at least 19.” “I mean, it’s not like I ever—Jesus Christ, 16? Are you sure? Shit.” At press time, sources confirmed that citizens across the country were quickly deleting their Internet histories.

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