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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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America Just Now Remembering How Much They Hate Dallas

WASHINGTON—After feelings of elation over the Miami Heat losing the NBA Finals started to fade this week, Americans across the country suddenly began to remember how much they actually hate the city of Dallas, the Mavericks, and their “total fucking asshole” owner Mark Cuban. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved watching those pricks on the Heat lose, but around Wednesday I was like, ‘Wait a minute—if it were any other Finals matchup, I would have been rooting really hard against the Mavericks because I absolutely hate Dallas and always have,’” Chicago resident Keith Thompson told reporters Thursday. “It’s an awful place with terrible fans and overpaid players, and to be honest, I could actually care less about Dirk Nowitzki finally winning an NBA title. And fuck, Jason Kidd? That guy’s a piece-of-shit wifebeater. Ah, yes, it’s all coming back to me now.” Americans who said they found themselves smiling when Mark Cuban held up the Larry O’Brien Trophy confirmed they now think back on that moment with despair and wonder what kind of terrible human beings they must actually be to have such revolting impulses.

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