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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

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With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

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Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
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America Online To Build Three Million Home Pages For The Homeless

AOL

VIENNA, VA—America Online announced Monday that it will do its part in the fight against U.S. homelessness by constructing three million World Wide Web home pages for the nation's homeless citizens.

"In this, the richest nation on earth, no one should have to know the pain of being without a home," said AOL president and CEO Steve Case, announcing the home-pages-for-the-homeless plan. "That's why we're working to make sure that all Americans have a place to call their own."

"There is room enough for everyone in cyberspace," Case said.

AOL president and CEO Steve Case.

Beginning next week, the popular online service will give every homeless citizen his or her own home page, training in the basics of HTML coding, and 512K of storage space.

Homeless persons will also be able to go to their city's Department of Social Services, where a web-trained social worker will help them choose a background color or pattern for their page, assist them in selecting their "hot links" list, and give them a choice of cartoon characters to greet visitors to the page.

"All human beings need a place where they can be themselves, where they can express themselves," Case said. "And that is precisely what a home page provides. Give a person a home page, and you have given that person dignity."

One of the millions of U.S. homeless.

"Like anybody else, homeless people just want a chance," Case continued. "And AOL is giving them just that–a chance to earn prize tokens by playing Zealot trivia. Whether they ally themselves with the Drakulian Empire or the Zsiverian Collective, the nation's homeless will be able to test their sci-fi know-how in a multiple-choice celestial showdown for valuable prizes."

"Keyword: Z," Case said.

Homeless citizens who have severe physical or mental disabilities, Case said, will also be eligible for special "page perks," such as a Java applet of a DOOM cyberdemon or a downloadable list of 100 humorous ways to phone in a pizza order. By early 1999, AOL will also begin offering such persons a "Cartoon Laws Of Physics" text file.

"It is shameful that in America in 1998, with all the wealth and technology we have at our disposal, there are still people out there who have no place to go," Case said. "No American should be without an address."

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