America Reminded Of Beef's Existence By Bold New Ad Campaign

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Vol 35 Issue 37

Legislators Still Concerned About Key Non-Issues

WASHINGTON, DC—With Americans increasingly concerned about the Social Security crisis and nuclear threats abroad, a coalition of leading congressmen restated their long-standing commitment Monday to such non-issues as flag-burning, school prayer and Internet porn. "Make no mistake, Congress is still deeply committed to these inconsequential matters," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "As long as we are in office, we will continue to clog up the legislative process with this trivial dross." Hatch said citizens should feel free to e-mail his office with any other non-issues they feel are being overlooked.

Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—In what it is touting as "a fun, delicious new way to combat Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," Ritalin manufacturer Novartis unveiled Ritalin Gummis Monday. "Good news, parents: Controlling your kids' wandering attention spans and erratic, impulsive behavior just got yummier," said Novartis director of product development Charles Bentley. "Available in five fruity flavors, Ritalin Gummis will soon be available at pharmacies and Brach's Pick-A-Mix displays everywhere." If the product is successful, Novartis rival Eli Lilly said it will likely move forward with a tart, sugary antidepressant tentatively dubbed "Paxil Stix."

Some Genius Juxtaposing Religious Iconography And Bodily Waste Yet Again

SAN FRANCISCO—The ultimate taboo was broken for the 856th time Monday, when the controversial art exhibit "Doo-Doo Messiah" opened at the San Francisco Museum Of Modern Art. The shocking series of sculptures and paintings, which, among other things, depict Jesus Christ enthusiastically eating St. Paul's feces and blessing himself with the urine of John the Baptist, has sparked outrage among Christian leaders, many of whom flew straight from the Brooklyn Museum Of Art's "Sensation" exhibit to begin work on protesting this latest shocking installation. "This is the most horrifying, blasphemous excuse for art I have ever witnessed again," said Father Theodore Dickey of the Archdiocese of Boston. "I have seen many excrement-Jesus sculptures, but this is easily one of the 20 worst." Pastor Joseph Annunciata of the Cincinnati League of Episcopalians was equally shocked, asking, "Why would they display such a thing in a place where decent Christians are going to see it when they come to protest it?"

I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences

Last night, as I so often do during my sleep, I dreamt of the lithe-limbed and frustratingly over-corseted Sophie Tucker. But midway through the dream, without warning, the lady-actress' enchanting features changed to the stern visage of German Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck!

It's Splitsville For Jacko!

Item! Megasuperduperstar Michael Jackson and his wife are calling it quits after five years of wedded bliss. No official word yet on the cause of the divorce, but rumor has it, the wife was frustrated over Jackson's refusal to let her appear in one of his music videos. Sounds like the same thing that tragically drove the Ricardos apart. Let's just hope there's no bitter custody battle over the animals. In times of divorce, the first priority should be to do what is best for the capybaras.

Infidel!

Bring forth the prisoners! I, Gorzo The Mighty, hereby decree that Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000, and his puny boy sidekick, Buddy Jeepers, are to be executed summarily, vaporized, and their space-particles scattered across the farthest reaches of the cosmos! I have spoken! But first, remove the bags covering their faces! Unmask the weak, insignificant prisoners, that I may spit in the face of these two foolish whelps who dare to call themselves "the galaxy's greatest heroes." I wish to force them to watch the destruction of the entire United-Earth Space-Army with a single blast from my Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon, so that they may die knowing the hideous depths of their failure!

The New Reagan Biography

Edmund Morris' new Reagan biography, Dutch: A Memoir Of Ronald Reagan, is drawing fire for its use of fictionalized characters and events. What do you think of this controversial "biographical novel"?
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America Reminded Of Beef's Existence By Bold New Ad Campaign

KANSAS CITY, MO—A new $100 million "Beef—Come And Get It™" ad campaign is reminding the American people of the existence of edible cow flesh.

One of the new print ads designed to remind Americans that beef exists.

The Kansas City-based American Beef Council launched the ambitious television and print campaign after discovering that U.S. citizens were no longer aware of the food item.

"Over the past few years, the American Beef Council let up on its promotional efforts, running very few beef ads," council president Richard Harnisch said. "And that lack of aggressiveness came home to roost: A recent focus-group test indicated that Americans had forgotten all about this delicious mealtime staple. When asked about beef or shown pictures of it, they seemed vague on the concept, often asking if it was some new, redder form of pork."

"Only after repeated explanations that beef is a separate, distinct meat that has always existed did test subjects begin to understand and remember," Harnisch said. "We soon realized that all Americans needed to have it explained to them that beef is a delicious meat that can be purchased and eaten."

Enlisting the aid of advertising agency McCann-Erickson, the American Beef Council developed a series of TV commercials depicting rugged cattle ranchers herding steer on a majestic Wyoming ranch as spirited Aaron Copland music plays. Veteran actor Jason Robards, speaking in voice-over, says, "There's a certain flavor to America, a hearty hunger for adventure and freedom that you can feel in the air. And taste in the beef."

Close-up shots of juicy steaks, hamburgers and beef shish-kebabs are then displayed, along with the campaign's slogan, "Beef—Come And Get It™."

A group of Americans enjoy the great taste of beef.

The ads already appear to be working.

"I'd completely forgotten about beef. I used to eat it all the time, well aware that it was what's for dinner," said Tracy Karasik of Pensacola, FL, enjoying a generous cut of London broil.

"But the manufacturers and vendors of beef must have gotten really lax in their advertising, because I don't think I've eaten or even thought about the meat in some three years. If it hadn't been for this new campaign, I might have died missing the great taste of beef."

The campaign is believed to be the most successful since a 1994 American Dairy Board promotional campaign for cheese. The ads, which revolved around the slogans, "Cheese—Still Exists, Always Has" and "Oh, Yeah... Cheese," reminded the American eating public of cheese's existence, causing sales of the dairy product to more than triple.

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