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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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American Airlines To Phase Out Complimentary Cabin Pressurization

FT. WORTH, TX—Explaining that the costs of the service have grown too high in recent years, American Airlines announced Tuesday that it will no longer offer free cabin pressurization to passengers starting March 15. “Unfortunately, to stay competitive as a legacy carrier in today’s air travel market, it no longer makes economic sense for us to provide breathable air at altitude,” said American Airlines CEO Doug Parker, noting that despite the cutbacks, air pressurization would still be available to first- and business-class travelers as well as those willing to pay an additional fee. “While we regret any altitude sickness, blood problems, dimmed vision, or hyperventilation that may result from air pressure less than a third normal levels, we remind our customers that such effects will diminish as soon as the aircraft descends below 10,000 feet.” Parker added that the company is also planning to discontinue complimentary landing gear on flights under four hours.

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