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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day

CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to make their gums hurt really bad once each day. “In addition to brushing your teeth twice daily with an ADA-accepted fluoride toothpaste, to maintain optimal dental hygiene, we recommend that you make your gums ache like hell every day—and we mean really make them sting,” said ADA Consumer Advisor Ada S. Cooper, who stated that optimal oral health was best achieved through abrading and irritating the gumline until it became impossible to drink cold water without wincing in pain. “Too many people skip the crucial step of causing their gums to burn and throb, but it is vitally important to get in there each night and just rub those things raw. Basically, if you have to hold your hand up to your jaw afterwards and massage your gums to assuage the pain, then you’re on the right path to a happy, healthy mouth.” Cooper reminded Americans that the easiest way to determine whether they were scraping their gums properly was to check whether they could both see and taste blood.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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