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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day

CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to make their gums hurt really bad once each day. “In addition to brushing your teeth twice daily with an ADA-accepted fluoride toothpaste, to maintain optimal dental hygiene, we recommend that you make your gums ache like hell every day—and we mean really make them sting,” said ADA Consumer Advisor Ada S. Cooper, who stated that optimal oral health was best achieved through abrading and irritating the gumline until it became impossible to drink cold water without wincing in pain. “Too many people skip the crucial step of causing their gums to burn and throb, but it is vitally important to get in there each night and just rub those things raw. Basically, if you have to hold your hand up to your jaw afterwards and massage your gums to assuage the pain, then you’re on the right path to a happy, healthy mouth.” Cooper reminded Americans that the easiest way to determine whether they were scraping their gums properly was to check whether they could both see and taste blood.

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