adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

American Medical Association Changes Stance On Self-Immolation

NEW YORK—In a stunning announcement that has sent shockwaves throughout the field of public health, the American Medical Association officially changed its long-held stance on self-immolation Friday, reversing decades of support for the ritualistic practice of lighting oneself on fire. “After careful reevaluation and extensive discussion within the medical community, we have found it necessary to cease advocating for individuals to douse themselves in kerosene or other flammable chemicals, go out into the middle of a public square, and set their bodies aflame,” said AMA spokesperson Arnold Krbecek, who confirmed that an official bulletin had been sent to all 220,000 AMA-member physicians alerting them that the practice of self-immolation had been associated with adverse health outcomes and could prove lethal in extreme cases. “Immolating oneself remains a patient’s choice, but it is only one in an array of options that we encourage them to discuss with their doctor. The AMA will simply no longer be requiring that physicians prescribe it to their patients.” Krbecek also confirmed the organization’s view on hepatitis was still under review.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close