adBlockCheck

American Medical Association Introduces New Highly Effective Placebo Doctors

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

American Medical Association Introduces New Highly Effective Placebo Doctors

CHICAGO—Saying that clinical trials have confirmed such individuals provide comparable results to fully trained, professional physicians, the American Medical Association announced Thursday the introduction of new placebo doctors to administer general practice medical care to the American public. “Making sure patients are seen promptly at local doctors’ offices and clinics is one of the AMA’s top priorities, and by simply supplementing the nation’s existing pool of primary care providers with several thousand unlicensed individuals whose appearance and behavior are indistinguishable from those of real doctors, we can greatly expand the medical community’s ability to address patients’ most commonplace ailments,” said AMA spokeswoman Tara Cosgrove, noting that allergies, aches, and the common cold were treated “just as effectively” by regular people who convincingly walked into an examination room looking down at a chart; appeared to check a patient’s eyes, throat, and blood pressure; then told the patient that the symptoms were nothing too severe and should clear up within a week. “Patients will be unable to tell if they received medical care from an experienced, board-certified doctor or someone who is just wearing a white coat and stethoscope and speaks to them for a couple minutes about whatever is troubling them while jotting down nonsense on a form, and in most general practice situations, we can assure the patient that his or her condition will be eliminated regardless of which individual they meet.” Cosgrove added that while the new placebo primary care physicians have generally been found to correspond with positive outcomes, the AMA had yet to achieve an equivalent success rate among its pilot group of placebo surgeons.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close