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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

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DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

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American People To Live Happily Ever After

WASHINGTON, DC–With the U.S. enjoying unprecedented prosperity at home and stability abroad, President Clinton announced Monday that the Bad Times are gone forever, and that the American people will live happily ever after.

The End

"My loyal subjects," said Clinton, speaking from his great White House atop a shining hill, "once upon a time, the Kingdom was beset with great dangers, and the Bear ran amok on Wall Street, and the men from the Red Land menaced us with their great rockets, and everyone was much afraid. But, henceforth, I decree that all Americans will be happy and live in comfy houses filled with plenty of good things to eat, and all mommies and daddies will be kind and all children good, and the Wizard Greenspan shall set loose the great Bull, and we shall all live happily forever and ever."

The Good People of America were then overjoyed and, taking President Clinton on their shoulders, paraded him thrice about the Great White House and gave him three cheers, for they were a very good American People indeed, and President Clinton was a very good President indeed, and they were very, very happy.

So they went skipping hand in hand, all the American People together (who will never again quarrel, or say nasty things, or steal another boy's lunch basket nor pull another girl's pigtails, or walk through the Little Red Schoolhouse wearing trenchcoats and carrying bad, bad muskets to shoot other children), and they skipped into the Happy Valley of all tomorrows, where the Sun always shines, and there are always plenty of Nokia cell phones, and gas is never more than $1.09 a gallon; and they sang as they skipped, and they were not troubled by anything.

And it is very beautiful in the Happy Valley, according to Good Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Andrew Cuomo, and there is a nice little white house for everyone, and a little green lawn in front of every little house, and every house has a magical picture box which tells the most lovely stories. And everyone will stay in their own little white neighborhoods, and mow their green lawns, and watch their magical picture boxes, and they will be very happy.

And everyone will have the enchanted carriage of their dreams, and an enchanted 401K plan for retirement, and there will be a great, delicious feast every day, and everyone will be pretty and happy. And above them, the great winged Dow-Bird will soar ever higher, and the power of his magical flight will make these things happen.

No one will ever get sick and die again, and Grandma will come back from Heaven and live with us, and all the daddies will hug the mommies again, and men will only want to marry women, and women will only want to marry men, and everyone will be the exact same perfect color, and no one will have off-brand clothes or speak in strange tongues. And everyone who once did any of those things will laugh, see how silly they were, and feel sorry that they made everyone so upset, and behave once and for all.

And we will all live happily ever after.

The end.

More from this section

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

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