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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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American People To Live Happily Ever After

WASHINGTON, DC–With the U.S. enjoying unprecedented prosperity at home and stability abroad, President Clinton announced Monday that the Bad Times are gone forever, and that the American people will live happily ever after.

The End

"My loyal subjects," said Clinton, speaking from his great White House atop a shining hill, "once upon a time, the Kingdom was beset with great dangers, and the Bear ran amok on Wall Street, and the men from the Red Land menaced us with their great rockets, and everyone was much afraid. But, henceforth, I decree that all Americans will be happy and live in comfy houses filled with plenty of good things to eat, and all mommies and daddies will be kind and all children good, and the Wizard Greenspan shall set loose the great Bull, and we shall all live happily forever and ever."

The Good People of America were then overjoyed and, taking President Clinton on their shoulders, paraded him thrice about the Great White House and gave him three cheers, for they were a very good American People indeed, and President Clinton was a very good President indeed, and they were very, very happy.

So they went skipping hand in hand, all the American People together (who will never again quarrel, or say nasty things, or steal another boy's lunch basket nor pull another girl's pigtails, or walk through the Little Red Schoolhouse wearing trenchcoats and carrying bad, bad muskets to shoot other children), and they skipped into the Happy Valley of all tomorrows, where the Sun always shines, and there are always plenty of Nokia cell phones, and gas is never more than $1.09 a gallon; and they sang as they skipped, and they were not troubled by anything.

And it is very beautiful in the Happy Valley, according to Good Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Andrew Cuomo, and there is a nice little white house for everyone, and a little green lawn in front of every little house, and every house has a magical picture box which tells the most lovely stories. And everyone will stay in their own little white neighborhoods, and mow their green lawns, and watch their magical picture boxes, and they will be very happy.

And everyone will have the enchanted carriage of their dreams, and an enchanted 401K plan for retirement, and there will be a great, delicious feast every day, and everyone will be pretty and happy. And above them, the great winged Dow-Bird will soar ever higher, and the power of his magical flight will make these things happen.

No one will ever get sick and die again, and Grandma will come back from Heaven and live with us, and all the daddies will hug the mommies again, and men will only want to marry women, and women will only want to marry men, and everyone will be the exact same perfect color, and no one will have off-brand clothes or speak in strange tongues. And everyone who once did any of those things will laugh, see how silly they were, and feel sorry that they made everyone so upset, and behave once and for all.

And we will all live happily ever after.

The end.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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