adBlockCheck

American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways

Top Headlines

Politics

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways

New research on Americans, above, indicates they can actually be little bit charming sometimes.
New research on Americans, above, indicates they can actually be little bit charming sometimes.

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to an extensive 18-month study published by researchers at the University of New Mexico this week, Americans, despite their embarrassing behavior, general ineptitude, and countless other negative traits, are actually kind of endearing in some ways.

"Our initial data showed that Americans are impulsive and tend toward willful ignorance—findings that are consistent with past research," said Professor Spencer Dixon, who led the study on U.S. culture and society. "But what we were surprised and, honestly, a little delighted to find is that Americans' short attention spans, simplemindedness, and inability to articulate a coherent idea can actually make them pretty lovable."

"It's hard to describe," Dixon continued. "It's just all these little quirks they have. And after a month or two of observation, they kind of start to grow on you."

After thousands of interviews with citizens from every socioeconomic, racial, and ethnic background, the UNM researchers discovered that despite the tendency of many Americans to do the loudest, dumbest thing possible at any given moment, the populace is "in the end, pretty hard not to like" and in many instances "sort of charming, frankly."

With their quirky ability to remain immobile for hours on end, Americans gradually won the affection of researchers.

Although the study documented numerous cases of adult Americans throwing tantrums, wasting valuable resources, taking their clothing off at live music or sporting events, and littering, researchers said they have determined conclusively that these habits in fact actually add to the people's charm.

"They do this other thing in public sometimes where they'll keep shouting the same stuff over and over again for no reason whatsoever," Dixon said. "And it's really fascinating, because according to our findings, not a single one of them even knows what it is they're shouting. They just like the sound of their own voice, I guess."

Added Dixon, with a chuckle, "The goofy bastards."

A large section of the 380-page study was devoted to examining the personal appearances of Americans, which researchers described as either very drab or unusually provocative, depending on the subject, but in all cases "undeniably amusing to look at."

Anthropologist Loren Martinez, who analyzed the eating habits of Americans, said she was dismayed by early evidence suggesting the study's participants completely avoided food with any nutritional value, but was quickly won over after witnessing their enthusiasm for cookies.

"The way they had chocolate chips and crumbs smeared all over their faces as they wolfed down plate after plate of cookies kind of made me smile," Martinez said. "Because it was just so them, you know? You just have to love anyone who feels no shame about stuffing a second cookie into their mouth while they're still chewing on the first."

According to field data, individual Americans also possess a winning ability to ignore the problems plaguing the nation and content themselves with sitting down in front of a television and drinking an entire six-pack of Coors Light while watching people dance.

Joel Anderson, a research assistant on the project, said the study changed his own preconceived notions about Americans.

"Sure they were loud and obnoxious and pathetic, but they were basically harmless, and we kind of liked having them around," he said. "Even when they smashed our lab equipment you couldn't really stay mad at them for long. I mean, c'mon, look at them."

"The way they waddle around in their little fat pants?" Anderson added. "Tell me that's not adorable."

The study's conclusions contradict a 2004 University of Massachusetts survey that found Americans were selfish, intolerant assholes who should eat shit and die.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close