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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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American Soccer Fans Prepare For World Cup By Pushing Each Other Through Chain-Link Fences

CHICAGO—Nineteen soccer fans have been killed and 73 injured in a series of practice soccer riots conducted to prepare for the June 9 opening of the World Cup, in which Chicago-area fans took turns crushing each other against chain-link fences in local parks, soccer fields, and vacant lots. "Too many Americans think of 'European football' as an endless series of passes, an arbitrary and unfathomable penalty system, and little if any scoring," said 28-year-old hooligan-in-training Alec Murrow. "While those are important traditions, there's much more to the way the rest of the world celebrates the Beautiful Game, such as rushing the field if your team is losing, grunting like apes when a black player has the ball, and beating supporters of other clubs half to death in the streets." The rioters, all of whom follow European soccer teams such as Millwall, AC Milan, and Juventus, claimed that casualties would have been higher if not for the difficulty of maiming people without using one's hands.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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