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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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American Soccer Fans Prepare For World Cup By Pushing Each Other Through Chain-Link Fences

CHICAGO—Nineteen soccer fans have been killed and 73 injured in a series of practice soccer riots conducted to prepare for the June 9 opening of the World Cup, in which Chicago-area fans took turns crushing each other against chain-link fences in local parks, soccer fields, and vacant lots. "Too many Americans think of 'European football' as an endless series of passes, an arbitrary and unfathomable penalty system, and little if any scoring," said 28-year-old hooligan-in-training Alec Murrow. "While those are important traditions, there's much more to the way the rest of the world celebrates the Beautiful Game, such as rushing the field if your team is losing, grunting like apes when a black player has the ball, and beating supporters of other clubs half to death in the streets." The rioters, all of whom follow European soccer teams such as Millwall, AC Milan, and Juventus, claimed that casualties would have been higher if not for the difficulty of maiming people without using one's hands.

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