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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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American Soccer Fans Prepare For World Cup By Pushing Each Other Through Chain-Link Fences

CHICAGO—Nineteen soccer fans have been killed and 73 injured in a series of practice soccer riots conducted to prepare for the June 9 opening of the World Cup, in which Chicago-area fans took turns crushing each other against chain-link fences in local parks, soccer fields, and vacant lots. "Too many Americans think of 'European football' as an endless series of passes, an arbitrary and unfathomable penalty system, and little if any scoring," said 28-year-old hooligan-in-training Alec Murrow. "While those are important traditions, there's much more to the way the rest of the world celebrates the Beautiful Game, such as rushing the field if your team is losing, grunting like apes when a black player has the ball, and beating supporters of other clubs half to death in the streets." The rioters, all of whom follow European soccer teams such as Millwall, AC Milan, and Juventus, claimed that casualties would have been higher if not for the difficulty of maiming people without using one's hands.

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