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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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American Soccer Fans Prepare For World Cup By Pushing Each Other Through Chain-Link Fences

CHICAGO—Nineteen soccer fans have been killed and 73 injured in a series of practice soccer riots conducted to prepare for the June 9 opening of the World Cup, in which Chicago-area fans took turns crushing each other against chain-link fences in local parks, soccer fields, and vacant lots. "Too many Americans think of 'European football' as an endless series of passes, an arbitrary and unfathomable penalty system, and little if any scoring," said 28-year-old hooligan-in-training Alec Murrow. "While those are important traditions, there's much more to the way the rest of the world celebrates the Beautiful Game, such as rushing the field if your team is losing, grunting like apes when a black player has the ball, and beating supporters of other clubs half to death in the streets." The rioters, all of whom follow European soccer teams such as Millwall, AC Milan, and Juventus, claimed that casualties would have been higher if not for the difficulty of maiming people without using one's hands.

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