Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth 'Bring Yourself To Work Day'

Top Headlines


How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth 'Bring Yourself To Work Day'

WASHINGTON, DC—In workplaces as diverse as a Payless ShoeSource in Andover, NH, to Tyson Foods' largest plant in Emporia, KS, American workers joined their international counterparts Monday in commemorating the 10 millionth "Bring Yourself To Work Day" with brief, mandatory celebrations.

Office workers settle in for a full day's worth of activities.

Bring Yourself To Work Day is a special workplace event observed five times weekly, and sometimes more, in every factory, office, warehouse, restaurant, and retailer of goods or services worldwide. The event has been used for generations in the U.S. and other industrialized nations as a way to instill in the workforce a sense of responsibility through repeated exposure to a largely unfulfilling work environment. It also introduces otherwise inactive adults to the benefits of steady employment and the importance of punctuality.

"This is really a positive experience for everyone involved," said Secretary Of Labor Elaine Chao in a special ceremony at her own Washington office, during which her staff ate slices of cake as they stared at their computer screens. "Each day is a chance for employees across America to reacquaint themselves with the particulars of their jobs, whether they consist of grading papers or unloading bags of dog food off wooden pallets. What's more, many of them get compensated for it."

That the 10 millionth celebration occurred on a Monday, the traditional start of the work week, was not lost on many American workers during their morning commute.

"Ten millionth, huh?" said San Diego systems analyst Alex Bass, 34, who commutes an average of three hours a day. "Sounds about right."

"It's too bad I'm not awake enough to fully appreciate such a great milestone," said Jewel-Osco Drug cashier Alecia Wallace, a 29-year-old Milwaukee, WI mother of two.

Bring Yourself To Work Day events include special presentations, conference calls, and various deadlines. But there's time for leisure, too, including having short non-work-related conversations with coworkers, eating lunch, and going to the bathroom.

If the employer feels an attendee has adequately brought himself to work, the participant may be invited to join in a broader series of activities, where he can learn more about the importance of being a team player, what to do during meetings, and how to patiently await a cost-of-living pay increase.

The mood was palpable as commuters set out to mark the historic occasion.

"I've been coming to Bring Yourself To Work Day since I was 16," said Chicago resident Nancy Kordich, 27. "Sometimes I get the urge to not bring myself to work, but I always relent, because if I don't go, I might end up not getting to participate in the celebration again for a long time."

Although some participants choose to mark the occasion at a single location for many years, others prefer to bring themselves to several different affiliated job sites successively over the course of one lifetime. Studies suggest that millions of especially enthusiastic Americans regularly enjoy bringing themselves to two or three jobs each day.

At one time, virtually all Americans were encouraged to participate, until legislation passed in 1938 limited the celebration to people over the age of 14.

While the vast majority of those taking part in Bring Yourself To Work Day are rewarded with a modest cash gift from the employer, some complain that there is little correlation between the dollar amounts given and the amount of time spent celebrating.

Still, many admit they have grown quite attached to the daily occasion.

"I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for this event," said drywall installer Donald Simmons, 42. "Probably at the beach, or sleeping in. Or at one of my son's T-ball games."

Added Simmons, "You know, for a big celebration, Bring Yourself To Work Day goes awfully slow."

Although archaeological evidence shows that Bring Yourself To Work Day has been an observed human event for at least 30,000 years, several historians theorize that the day could stretch back as far as the time of Homo erectus, when early humans first realized that antelope would not willingly allow themselves to be eaten.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close