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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

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After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Americans Demand Crispier Outside

Millions came out nationwide for chewy centers.
Millions came out nationwide for chewy centers.

NEW YORK—Millions of outraged consumers assembled across the nation Tuesday to demand a crispier outside, insisting that it also be made available in a number of great-tasting varieties and at a price that won't break the bank.

"As Americans, we deserve the right to enjoy an outside with crispy, crumbly morsels in every bite," Michigan native Debbie Henderson said while protesting in downtown Saginaw, MI. "It must have that fresh, oven-baked taste that keeps me coming back for more, or I'm not interested."

"We want that crunch!" she added.

Irate citizens have rallied in front of shops and drive-thru windows nationwide to outline their demands, which include extra chunks, meltier bits on top, that classic buttery flavor the whole family can enjoy, and a wider array of sizes, shapes, and colors to mix and match.

Sources are also calling for cleanup to be a breeze.

"I'm a fast-paced professional who's always on the go," Arizona businessman Stuart DeLillo told reporters. "Therefore, I need to know that, whether I'm at home, at the office, or even stuck in traffic, I can treat myself to some mouth-watering, ooey-gooey goodness."

According to a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 65 percent of Americans absolutely required a chewy center bursting with flavor, while 88 percent expressed a strong preference for a glazed and powdered top drizzled with double the delicious frosting. Seventy-two percent said they would accept a creamier core, but only if there were a couple of sinfully irresistible spoonfuls in every batch.

Ninety-four percent of Americans demanded it in King Size.

Though a majority of those polled desired that classic down-home flavor both kids and grown-ups can enjoy, a number of health- conscious Americans argued Tuesday that consumers who are watching their weight should also be able to enjoy a delectably devilish explosion of divine deliciousness.

"Millions of us want to know why we can't have the same great taste without all the extra calories," said Fort Lauderdale, FL resident Susan Heller, expressing concerns that such a tempting, melt-in-your-mouth crunch might pack on the pounds while packing in the flavor. "If only there were some light and healthy option for people like me who want to watch their weight while also enjoying that gotta-have-it, golden-brown scrumptiousness, just like Mom used to make."

Representatives from the International Snack Food Association were quick to respond to consumer demand for a crispier outside, reiterating this week the organization's long-term commitment to tantalizing, heavenly delights baked to perfection.

"The American people have spoken and we hear them loud and clear," ISFA spokesman Terry Stern said. "They want it crispy on the outside, moist on the inside, and jam-packed with only the best all-natural ingredients, and we'll do our best to give it to them."

"But when we do, it may only be available for a limited time," Stern added. "So you'd better hurry up and get one while supplies last."

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