adBlockCheck

Americans Demand New Form Of Media To Bridge Entertainment Gap While Looking From Laptop To Phone

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Americans Demand New Form Of Media To Bridge Entertainment Gap While Looking From Laptop To Phone

An American endures a lengthy, torturous, entertainment-free period while turning his gaze from one screen to another.
An American endures a lengthy, torturous, entertainment-free period while turning his gaze from one screen to another.

WASHINGTON—Expressing their growing frustration with the “unacceptable” wait experienced while looking from one electronic device to another, millions of Americans nationwide reportedly demanded a new form of media Wednesday to bridge the entertainment gap they endure while turning their heads from their laptops to their cell phones.

According to reports from across the country, citizens are loudly calling for a device or program capable of keeping them captivated as they move their eyes from a computer screen to a smartphone screen, arguing that a new source of video and audio stimulation is vital to alleviating the excruciating boredom that currently accompanies this prolonged transition.

“Whenever I switch from my laptop to my iPhone, I hate how there’s never anything good for me to look at in between,” said 28-year-old Cincinnati resident Danielle Camp, echoing the sentiment of millions of people across the country who conveyed their dissatisfaction with the current lack of images and sounds capable of holding their attention during this period. “It takes forever for me to go from checking my Facebook notifications on my computer to a text message on my phone—what am I supposed to do during that time? Do you really expect me to just stare at a bunch of empty space?”

“I just want something to scroll through or click on or swipe,” Camp added. “I can’t keep looking at nothing.”

Men and women in all 50 states are reportedly insisting that the nation’s top engineers and tech companies begin immediately developing some kind of constantly updating content feed or colorful display that is capable of glowing, vibrating, or emitting a short jingle during those moments they turn their heads to one side or another, a period in which they are currently deprived of access to any source of media stimulus whatsoever.

When contacted by reporters, Americans said they would be receptive to a backlit interface that displays blinking text, presents a slideshow of photographs, or makes a tinkling sound when touched. However, these individuals emphasized that they didn’t particularly care what the specific nature of the new media display was or how it worked, provided it was capable of fully occupying the agonizing four-tenths of a second in which both their phone and laptop screens remain beyond their line of sight.

“I’m open to anything—as long as I can look at it and have it light up and maybe flash an icon at me,” said sales associate Kevin Broadbridge of San Francisco, noting that some level of interactivity or internet connectivity would be “good,” but not strictly essential. “I really just want to be able to check the weather on my phone, tap whatever this new thing is a few times, and then go back to viewing a YouTube clip on my laptop without having to kill time looking at my pant leg or couch cushions or anything else that’s in between.”

While most Americans said that a source of media to fill the empty area between their cell phones and laptops should be a top priority, a recent nationwide survey also revealed a widespread desire to bridge other unbearable entertainment gaps in citizens’ lives. Specifically, the poll found that 77 percent of respondents want an engaging animation to appear in their browser windows during the period it takes for a website to refresh, with a further 86 percent seeking a graphic or other feature to replace the seemingly interminable black screen that momentarily appears when they switch between two different television channels.

Additionally, a full 95 percent of respondents insisted on the installation of an additional screen on the backs of their phones and tablets for those moments in which such devices are left resting face down.

“A lot of the time, I’ll have to plug in my laptop or Kindle so I can keep using it, but the electrical outlet is just this white piece of plastic that doesn’t move or give me badges or anything; there should be some display there that I can look at instead,” said Elizabeth Cantanzaro of El Paso, TX. “And when I look at my remote control for my TV, all the buttons just have a bunch of numbers on them. Who wants to see that? Those should all be screens too.”

“But the screens shouldn’t take any time to load,” she added. “I don’t want to have to wait. I don’t like that.”

At press time, Americans had upped their demands by calling for some type of media capable of providing them something to look at when they blink.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close