Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today

NEW YORK—Noting that it feels clearly distinct from the type of generalized, aching malaise and sadness that constitutes their usual day-to-day existence, Americans nationwide reported feeling a somewhat different sense of spiritual numbness today, one characterized by an acute melancholy, a more localized feeling of emptiness, and a helpless inability to alter the course of the past 12 years of history. “Typically, as I go through my daily routine, the emotional paralysis I feel is more like a dull, non-specific pain that pervades the very essence of my being—a pained voice, if you will, that wants to scream but can’t—but today it’s more like a profoundly longing, grieving kind of numb,” 35-year-old Ohio resident William Bryant told reporters, echoing the sentiments of all 315 million Americans, who say their daily sense of grief and spiritual exhaustion usually “just sort of hangs there in the background, but felt more specifically and immediately miserable today.” “When I woke up this morning, I felt utterly alone and shattered, just as I always do, but there was a little added something in the mix this time—horror, maybe? A sense of unmollified anguish over a tragic event that can never be erased or even truly comprehended? I don’t know, something like that. It felt shitty, I know that much.” Americans went on to confirm that while today’s unique variety of emotional numbness was certainly no better than any other day’s, at the very least it changed things up a little.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close