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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today

NEW YORK—Noting that it feels clearly distinct from the type of generalized, aching malaise and sadness that constitutes their usual day-to-day existence, Americans nationwide reported feeling a somewhat different sense of spiritual numbness today, one characterized by an acute melancholy, a more localized feeling of emptiness, and a helpless inability to alter the course of the past 12 years of history. “Typically, as I go through my daily routine, the emotional paralysis I feel is more like a dull, non-specific pain that pervades the very essence of my being—a pained voice, if you will, that wants to scream but can’t—but today it’s more like a profoundly longing, grieving kind of numb,” 35-year-old Ohio resident William Bryant told reporters, echoing the sentiments of all 315 million Americans, who say their daily sense of grief and spiritual exhaustion usually “just sort of hangs there in the background, but felt more specifically and immediately miserable today.” “When I woke up this morning, I felt utterly alone and shattered, just as I always do, but there was a little added something in the mix this time—horror, maybe? A sense of unmollified anguish over a tragic event that can never be erased or even truly comprehended? I don’t know, something like that. It felt shitty, I know that much.” Americans went on to confirm that while today’s unique variety of emotional numbness was certainly no better than any other day’s, at the very least it changed things up a little.

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