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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today

NEW YORK—Noting that it feels clearly distinct from the type of generalized, aching malaise and sadness that constitutes their usual day-to-day existence, Americans nationwide reported feeling a somewhat different sense of spiritual numbness today, one characterized by an acute melancholy, a more localized feeling of emptiness, and a helpless inability to alter the course of the past 12 years of history. “Typically, as I go through my daily routine, the emotional paralysis I feel is more like a dull, non-specific pain that pervades the very essence of my being—a pained voice, if you will, that wants to scream but can’t—but today it’s more like a profoundly longing, grieving kind of numb,” 35-year-old Ohio resident William Bryant told reporters, echoing the sentiments of all 315 million Americans, who say their daily sense of grief and spiritual exhaustion usually “just sort of hangs there in the background, but felt more specifically and immediately miserable today.” “When I woke up this morning, I felt utterly alone and shattered, just as I always do, but there was a little added something in the mix this time—horror, maybe? A sense of unmollified anguish over a tragic event that can never be erased or even truly comprehended? I don’t know, something like that. It felt shitty, I know that much.” Americans went on to confirm that while today’s unique variety of emotional numbness was certainly no better than any other day’s, at the very least it changed things up a little.

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