Americans Once Again Inspired As Kerri Strug Limps To Liquor Store

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Vol 50 Issue 17

60 Teens Arrested In Senior Class Prank

More than 60 students from Teaneck High School in New Jersey were arrested this week after they taped hot dogs to lockers and urinated all over the floors as part of a senior class prank.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Americans Once Again Inspired As Kerri Strug Limps To Liquor Store

TUCSON, AZ—Kerri Strug, the former gymnast who memorably hobbled her way to Olympic gold in 1996, once again reportedly inspired the nation Sunday as she resiliently limped to the Four Star Liquor store, fighting back tears as she purchased $17.37 worth of alcohol, cigarettes, and scratch-off lottery tickets. “Soft pack of Pall Mall 100’s,” said Strug, who appeared to be in obvious pain and favoring her left leg as she overcame the odds and made it to the counter. “U.S. Olympian discount?” At press time, a crying Strug was triumphantly clutching her Goldschläger while being carried the final few blocks back to her apartment by a disheveled and intoxicated Béla Károlyi.

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