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Americans Once Again Inspired As Kerri Strug Limps To Liquor Store

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Americans Once Again Inspired As Kerri Strug Limps To Liquor Store

TUCSON, AZ—Kerri Strug, the former gymnast who memorably hobbled her way to Olympic gold in 1996, once again reportedly inspired the nation Sunday as she resiliently limped to the Four Star Liquor store, fighting back tears as she purchased $17.37 worth of alcohol, cigarettes, and scratch-off lottery tickets. “Soft pack of Pall Mall 100’s,” said Strug, who appeared to be in obvious pain and favoring her left leg as she overcame the odds and made it to the counter. “U.S. Olympian discount?” At press time, a crying Strug was triumphantly clutching her Goldschläger while being carried the final few blocks back to her apartment by a disheveled and intoxicated Béla Károlyi.

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