Americans Pool Together $945.23 To Counteract Corporate Money's Influence In Politics

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Vol 48 Issue 25

Fussy J.J. Hardy Refuses To Stand On Nonorganic Dirt

ATLANTA—Fussy Orioles shortstop J.J. Hardy defiantly refused to stand on the nonorganic dirt in Turner Field Friday, complaining to coaches and teammates that the disgusting mixture of clay, silt, and sand was full of harmful additives and chemicals...

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TLC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT We catch up with the 11 geese who provided the feathers for the 2006 Ralph Lauren King Size #10239.

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Bravo 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Aurumai wows judges with his newest power animal; Evagrius tries to retrieve enough souls to move on to the next round.

Justice Department Sues 2 Polygamous Communities

The U.S. Department of Justice is suing the communities of Colorado City, AZ and Hildale, UT, alleging a pattern of discrimination against residents who do not belong to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Tear-Stained Final Words

"If you somehow gather the mental wherewithal to collect 30 UPC labels and mail them to our promotions department, we'll send you an Old Milwaukee pen and notepad set, perfect for scrawling down your tear-stained final words." – Old M...

Romney Stares Uncomprehendingly At $1 Bill

POCATELLO, ID—A $1 bill somehow made its way into the hands of Mitt Romney during a campaign stop Thursday, reportedly causing the Republican presidential candidate a moment of uncomprehending fascination.
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Americans Pool Together $945.23 To Counteract Corporate Money's Influence In Politics

WASHINGTON—Spurred into action by the surge of Super PAC donations ahead of November's general election, the American people this week collectively managed to raise $945.23 to offset the influence of corporate spending on politics. "Today we take a stand against big money's stranglehold on the U.S. electoral system and give a voice back to the voters," said spokesman Danny Bader, an unemployed carpenter who scraped together $1.10 as part of the effort to counteract the unlimited number of undisclosed independent expenditures corporations are legally allowed to make. "With these funds, we will print some pamphlets and hopefully get a website up, and we will send a clear message that billions in shadowy spending will not buy this election." At press time, the American people were struggling to raise an additional $65 for another dozen T-shirts.

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