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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Americans Pool Together $945.23 To Counteract Corporate Money's Influence In Politics

WASHINGTON—Spurred into action by the surge of Super PAC donations ahead of November's general election, the American people this week collectively managed to raise $945.23 to offset the influence of corporate spending on politics. "Today we take a stand against big money's stranglehold on the U.S. electoral system and give a voice back to the voters," said spokesman Danny Bader, an unemployed carpenter who scraped together $1.10 as part of the effort to counteract the unlimited number of undisclosed independent expenditures corporations are legally allowed to make. "With these funds, we will print some pamphlets and hopefully get a website up, and we will send a clear message that billions in shadowy spending will not buy this election." At press time, the American people were struggling to raise an additional $65 for another dozen T-shirts.

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