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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

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WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Americans Take Day Off From Looking For Work

NEW YORK—Citing the day-in, day-out grind of waking up early every morning and plugging away nonstop to find a job, Americans across the nation are spending their Labor Day taking a well-deserved day off from looking for work.

Whether it’s spending time at the park, firing up the grill, or simply enjoying a relaxing day inside watching television, U.S. citizens, who reportedly work an average of eight hours a day searching for employment, said they were glad to take some time off from the near-constant pressure of their job hunts.

“It’s definitely good to recharge,” said unemployed operations manager Rob Wilkes, 44, who vowed to relax and not send a single looking-for-work-related email the entire day. “I honestly can’t remember the last time I took a day off from trying to find a job.”

Added Wilkes, “Labor Day last year, maybe?”

Stating how important their finding a career is to them, Americans admitted it would be somewhat difficult to completely tear themselves away from various work-seeking responsibilities that typically pop up during the day, such looking through the classified sections of multiple newspapers, and blindly sending out dozens of resumes and cover letter.

However, citizens maintained that their lives can’t just revolve around their job search, and that it's essential to take some time away from the grueling—and some would say mind-numbing—hours spent staring endlessly at a computer monitor displaying Monster.com and LinkedIn.

Moreover, for the entire day, Americans have vowed to completely avoid discussing the subject of finding work, and just enjoy hanging out with friends, relatives, and recently laid-off coworkers.

“I’m constantly in looking-for-work mode,” said former market researcher Amanda Cooper, adding that Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. till 6 p.m. she can be found glued to her bedroom desk trying to find a job. “But you know what? It’s Labor Day. I’m not going to think about all the follow-up phone calls I have to make to potential employers, or how I’m behind on updating my CV. In fact, there is a job application to Burger King sitting on my kitchen table right now, and it’ll just have to wait until tomorrow.”

“I’m just going to sit back, relax, and watch a movie,” Cooper continued. “Mainly because I can’t really afford to go anywhere or do anything.”

Though the U.S. populace is content to take the day off, citizens have confirmed that because of America’s now well-established looking-for-work ethic, come tomorrow morning they’ll be back at it.

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