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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Americans Want Racial Equality, Creme Filling

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a poll released Tuesday by Princeton University's Institute For Social Research, racial equality and creme filling rank at the top of U.S. citizens' wish lists.

The comprehensive five-year study found that 64 percent of Americans favor greater racial equality in all sectors of American life, contending that, nearly 35 years after the signing of the Civil Rights Act, blacks still suffer discrimination in many areas.

The poll also found that 86 percent of U.S. citizens desire creme filling, and would like to see its presence increased in everyday American life.

When asked in what area of American life exists the greatest disparity between blacks and whites, 42 percent said the workplace, 29 percent said educational opportunities, and 23 percent said the judicial system. Seven percent were undecided.

Of those who desired creme filling, 61 percent said they would like to see more creme filling inside and/or on top of the dessert foods they already regularly consume. Thirty-five percent said they would like to see creme filling served in a giant bowl as a dessert in and of itself. Four percent were undecided.

"A lot of people are looking around this country and finding that they don't like what they see," said Milton Bloch, Ph.D., chair of the Princeton study. "They are angry and frustrated that creme filling is absent in all too many snack products."

On the subject of what role government should play in the furthering of racial equality, there was significant disagreement. Fifty-two percent of those polled said government-supported affirmative-action programs are useful in encouraging the employment of qualified minorities. Forty-six percent, however, said affirmative action is unconstitutional and encourages a discriminatory "quota" system of hiring.

When asked, "If given the choice between creme filling made with 'all-natural' ingredients such as whole milk and eggs, or creme filling made of non-dairy or 'artificial,' chemically synthesized ingredients, taking into account that 'all-natural' creme filling would likely contain more fat and calories, which would you choose?" 47 percent chose all-natural and 32 percent artificial. Twenty-one percent were undecided, saying they would choose whichever tasted better.

Asked if they would prefer equal educational opportunities for people of all races or fudge-bottom pie with a thick layer of coconut creme, 38 percent chose the former and 41 percent the latter. The remaining 21 percent said it depended whether the pie was served hot.

"Yes, we have made some progress in this country, but we still have a long way to go," said study participant Samantha Brodson of Rochester, NY. "Why, for example, after nearly four decades, have we still not found a way to fit more creme into the middle of our Twinkies? A change is gonna come."

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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