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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Americans Want Racial Equality, Creme Filling

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a poll released Tuesday by Princeton University's Institute For Social Research, racial equality and creme filling rank at the top of U.S. citizens' wish lists.

The comprehensive five-year study found that 64 percent of Americans favor greater racial equality in all sectors of American life, contending that, nearly 35 years after the signing of the Civil Rights Act, blacks still suffer discrimination in many areas.

The poll also found that 86 percent of U.S. citizens desire creme filling, and would like to see its presence increased in everyday American life.

When asked in what area of American life exists the greatest disparity between blacks and whites, 42 percent said the workplace, 29 percent said educational opportunities, and 23 percent said the judicial system. Seven percent were undecided.

Of those who desired creme filling, 61 percent said they would like to see more creme filling inside and/or on top of the dessert foods they already regularly consume. Thirty-five percent said they would like to see creme filling served in a giant bowl as a dessert in and of itself. Four percent were undecided.

"A lot of people are looking around this country and finding that they don't like what they see," said Milton Bloch, Ph.D., chair of the Princeton study. "They are angry and frustrated that creme filling is absent in all too many snack products."

On the subject of what role government should play in the furthering of racial equality, there was significant disagreement. Fifty-two percent of those polled said government-supported affirmative-action programs are useful in encouraging the employment of qualified minorities. Forty-six percent, however, said affirmative action is unconstitutional and encourages a discriminatory "quota" system of hiring.

When asked, "If given the choice between creme filling made with 'all-natural' ingredients such as whole milk and eggs, or creme filling made of non-dairy or 'artificial,' chemically synthesized ingredients, taking into account that 'all-natural' creme filling would likely contain more fat and calories, which would you choose?" 47 percent chose all-natural and 32 percent artificial. Twenty-one percent were undecided, saying they would choose whichever tasted better.

Asked if they would prefer equal educational opportunities for people of all races or fudge-bottom pie with a thick layer of coconut creme, 38 percent chose the former and 41 percent the latter. The remaining 21 percent said it depended whether the pie was served hot.

"Yes, we have made some progress in this country, but we still have a long way to go," said study participant Samantha Brodson of Rochester, NY. "Why, for example, after nearly four decades, have we still not found a way to fit more creme into the middle of our Twinkies? A change is gonna come."

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