adBlockCheck

Americans Want Racial Equality, Creme Filling

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Americans Want Racial Equality, Creme Filling

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a poll released Tuesday by Princeton University's Institute For Social Research, racial equality and creme filling rank at the top of U.S. citizens' wish lists.

The comprehensive five-year study found that 64 percent of Americans favor greater racial equality in all sectors of American life, contending that, nearly 35 years after the signing of the Civil Rights Act, blacks still suffer discrimination in many areas.

The poll also found that 86 percent of U.S. citizens desire creme filling, and would like to see its presence increased in everyday American life.

When asked in what area of American life exists the greatest disparity between blacks and whites, 42 percent said the workplace, 29 percent said educational opportunities, and 23 percent said the judicial system. Seven percent were undecided.

Of those who desired creme filling, 61 percent said they would like to see more creme filling inside and/or on top of the dessert foods they already regularly consume. Thirty-five percent said they would like to see creme filling served in a giant bowl as a dessert in and of itself. Four percent were undecided.

"A lot of people are looking around this country and finding that they don't like what they see," said Milton Bloch, Ph.D., chair of the Princeton study. "They are angry and frustrated that creme filling is absent in all too many snack products."

On the subject of what role government should play in the furthering of racial equality, there was significant disagreement. Fifty-two percent of those polled said government-supported affirmative-action programs are useful in encouraging the employment of qualified minorities. Forty-six percent, however, said affirmative action is unconstitutional and encourages a discriminatory "quota" system of hiring.

When asked, "If given the choice between creme filling made with 'all-natural' ingredients such as whole milk and eggs, or creme filling made of non-dairy or 'artificial,' chemically synthesized ingredients, taking into account that 'all-natural' creme filling would likely contain more fat and calories, which would you choose?" 47 percent chose all-natural and 32 percent artificial. Twenty-one percent were undecided, saying they would choose whichever tasted better.

Asked if they would prefer equal educational opportunities for people of all races or fudge-bottom pie with a thick layer of coconut creme, 38 percent chose the former and 41 percent the latter. The remaining 21 percent said it depended whether the pie was served hot.

"Yes, we have made some progress in this country, but we still have a long way to go," said study participant Samantha Brodson of Rochester, NY. "Why, for example, after nearly four decades, have we still not found a way to fit more creme into the middle of our Twinkies? A change is gonna come."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close