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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Americans Wondering What They Did To Deserve This Much Joe Buck

NEW YORK—According to sports fans across America, the near-ubiquitous presence of play-by-play broadcaster, pregame reporter, and post-game analyst Joe Buck has begun to make them consider if they are being punished for something. "In this life, it's only natural to have to endure a certain amount of Joe Buck, but lately I've been inundated with this pervading informant to the point that I can't get his goddamn buttery-smooth voice out of my head," said avid football viewer and casual baseball fan Thomas Lenz. "I mean, I'm a grown man and can tune it out, but I have a 10-year-old son being who has to live through this. It's just not fair." Joe Buck was unavailable for comment, as he was doing a Borat impression on the set of his latest Fox Sports commercial.

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