adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
End Of Section
  • More News

America's Obese: A Food Source For America's Even More Obese?

WASHINGTON, DC—America's morbidly obese are hungry. For years, the processed-food industry has desperately tried to placate them with empty-calorie foodstuffs with a satisfying texture, but their appetites have proven insatiable. A new report released Monday by the National Health Council, however, suggests that the answer to morbidly obese Americans' problems could be standing right behind them in the buffet line.

Dr. Harmon Kressler, one of the report's authors, said that the nation's "Category 1 obese"—persons with 25-40 percent body fat—are an excellent source of the trans fats and lipids that even fatter Americans require to sustain themselves.

"'Regular-obese' people are loaded with the triglycerides, butyric acids, glucose, and rich buttery lard that the 'mega-obese' would otherwise have to derive from two or three food groups," Kressler said.

According to Andrew Weinstein, the study's lead researcher, this development could offer the solution to the obesity epidemic in America.

"Obesity is a problem that we thought could only be remedied by diet, exercise, or more realistically, expensive gastrointestinal surgery," Weinstein said. "But this method would not only provide the mega-obese with a seemingly never-ending supply of sustenance, it would also slash obesity rates in this nation by more than half."

Although some experts worry that the mega-obese will be reluctant to consume other obese humans, Kressler said palatability will not be a problem.

"Through incessant eating, most of the mega-obese have worn down the sensitivity of their taste buds, and respond only to the most intensely salty, oily, or sweet foodstuffs," Kressler said. "The dense, high-viscosity oil that oozes out of the pores—or 'flavor crannies'—of deep-fried obese flesh is sure to stimulate the voracious appetites of the mega-obese."

Despite the millions of regular-obese people and the thousands more that join their ranks every day, Kressler conceded that "once the mega-obese polish off the regular-obese, they may start feeding on the slightly overweight, a sector that comprises all but 0.1 percent of American adults."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close