adBlockCheck

America's Obese: A Food Source For America's Even More Obese?

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

America's Obese: A Food Source For America's Even More Obese?

WASHINGTON, DC—America's morbidly obese are hungry. For years, the processed-food industry has desperately tried to placate them with empty-calorie foodstuffs with a satisfying texture, but their appetites have proven insatiable. A new report released Monday by the National Health Council, however, suggests that the answer to morbidly obese Americans' problems could be standing right behind them in the buffet line.

Dr. Harmon Kressler, one of the report's authors, said that the nation's "Category 1 obese"—persons with 25-40 percent body fat—are an excellent source of the trans fats and lipids that even fatter Americans require to sustain themselves.

"'Regular-obese' people are loaded with the triglycerides, butyric acids, glucose, and rich buttery lard that the 'mega-obese' would otherwise have to derive from two or three food groups," Kressler said.

According to Andrew Weinstein, the study's lead researcher, this development could offer the solution to the obesity epidemic in America.

"Obesity is a problem that we thought could only be remedied by diet, exercise, or more realistically, expensive gastrointestinal surgery," Weinstein said. "But this method would not only provide the mega-obese with a seemingly never-ending supply of sustenance, it would also slash obesity rates in this nation by more than half."

Although some experts worry that the mega-obese will be reluctant to consume other obese humans, Kressler said palatability will not be a problem.

"Through incessant eating, most of the mega-obese have worn down the sensitivity of their taste buds, and respond only to the most intensely salty, oily, or sweet foodstuffs," Kressler said. "The dense, high-viscosity oil that oozes out of the pores—or 'flavor crannies'—of deep-fried obese flesh is sure to stimulate the voracious appetites of the mega-obese."

Despite the millions of regular-obese people and the thousands more that join their ranks every day, Kressler conceded that "once the mega-obese polish off the regular-obese, they may start feeding on the slightly overweight, a sector that comprises all but 0.1 percent of American adults."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close