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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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America's Obese: A Food Source For America's Even More Obese?

WASHINGTON, DC—America's morbidly obese are hungry. For years, the processed-food industry has desperately tried to placate them with empty-calorie foodstuffs with a satisfying texture, but their appetites have proven insatiable. A new report released Monday by the National Health Council, however, suggests that the answer to morbidly obese Americans' problems could be standing right behind them in the buffet line.

Dr. Harmon Kressler, one of the report's authors, said that the nation's "Category 1 obese"—persons with 25-40 percent body fat—are an excellent source of the trans fats and lipids that even fatter Americans require to sustain themselves.

"'Regular-obese' people are loaded with the triglycerides, butyric acids, glucose, and rich buttery lard that the 'mega-obese' would otherwise have to derive from two or three food groups," Kressler said.

According to Andrew Weinstein, the study's lead researcher, this development could offer the solution to the obesity epidemic in America.

"Obesity is a problem that we thought could only be remedied by diet, exercise, or more realistically, expensive gastrointestinal surgery," Weinstein said. "But this method would not only provide the mega-obese with a seemingly never-ending supply of sustenance, it would also slash obesity rates in this nation by more than half."

Although some experts worry that the mega-obese will be reluctant to consume other obese humans, Kressler said palatability will not be a problem.

"Through incessant eating, most of the mega-obese have worn down the sensitivity of their taste buds, and respond only to the most intensely salty, oily, or sweet foodstuffs," Kressler said. "The dense, high-viscosity oil that oozes out of the pores—or 'flavor crannies'—of deep-fried obese flesh is sure to stimulate the voracious appetites of the mega-obese."

Despite the millions of regular-obese people and the thousands more that join their ranks every day, Kressler conceded that "once the mega-obese polish off the regular-obese, they may start feeding on the slightly overweight, a sector that comprises all but 0.1 percent of American adults."

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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