America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Americans gathered Monday to discuss their feelings of heartbreak, anger, and resentment toward America's sweetheart Kirsten Dunst, after the film star broke up with the U.S. to be with some douchebag that everyone thought was gay.

Dunst and the utter wad.

"I don't think anyone expected this," Grangeville, ID resident Troy Pilner said, to murmurs of agreement from the rest of America. "We really cared about her, and I thought she cared about us. How can this butt-munch she's seeing provide something that the 293 million of us can't?"

Many Americans have theories about why Dunst—whose film credits include the two Spider-Man blockbusters, Bring It On, and The Virgin Suicides—broke up with us. Residents of Arizona report that Dunst's new boyfriend, Portuguese shipbuilding magnate Gilberto Nunes, must have filled her head with lies. Florida residents suggest that Dunst got scared when she realized how much she cared about us.

When asked to comment on these theories, Wyoming residents said it was still difficult to understand "what could have driven [Dunst] into the arms of such a cock."

"I never would've thought she'd be fooled by some Eurotrash pretty-boy gaylord with six-pack abs and a 100-foot yacht," Nashua, NH resident James Westerly said. "If we'd known that was what she wanted, we would have dyed our hair and bought her a bunch of expensive presents. But I always assumed our relationship was deeper than that. I really thought the U.S. and Kirsten Dunst were soulmates."

Added Philadelphia resident Joyce Lister: "Did you see those pictures in the Enquirer where [Nunes] had his shirt open so you could see some stupid tattoo on his chest? God, I hate that guy."

The U.S. then began to sob uncontrollably.

For the past week, Americans have been endlessly dissecting and discussing the "Dear John" letter we received from Dunst on Aug. 11.

"The letter from Kirsten really hurt me," said Plains, GA resident Amy Treemont, who has loved Dunst ever since she saw her in Little Women. "Look at this section where she talks about needing to grow as a person and an actress. I didn't know she felt like we were keeping her down. Maybe she thought running off with that Nunes prick was easier than working out our problems."

Continued Treemont: "Kirsten, if you can hear this, we still love you and want you back."

Many dumped Americans said they were angry that Dunst broke up with them in a letter, feeling that a phone call would have been more appropriate. Those who have tried to reach her to discuss the matter report that her phone number has been changed.

"I think she owes us an explanation, but she won't agree to meet us for lunch," Prineville, OR resident Keith Starling said. "The U.S. deserves some closure. I mean, why did she leave us for him, of all people? He's such a worthless poseur."

Residents of Florida said they came close to fighting Nunes Friday at a Miami Beach bar.

"We were all just drinking and trying to forget when he strolled in like he was King Shit," Miami's Terry Masters said. "I wanted to deck him right then and there. The bar went real quiet, and he was like, 'Doy... What's going on?' Like he didn't know. If it wasn't for our friends from Puerto Rico holding us back, I swear he'd be dead. Next time, we kick his ass on sight."

This week, Congress fiercely debated a piece of legislation that would have authorized the U.S. Army's 82nd Airborne Division to beat Nunes to within an inch of his life. Partisan bickering held up the bill, with Republicans wanting to add a rider labeling Nunes a "pussy" and Democrats wanting to call him a "first-class jerkoff."

Though reluctant to discuss the messy breakup, Dunst said she still cares about the U.S. very much and never meant to hurt anyone, but that those of us who are seeking a reconciliation "shouldn't hold [our] breath."

"I'm not denying that there were wonderful moments and a lot of deep feelings between us," Dunst said. "There were just too many problems. What happened between [human shitpile] Gilberto [Nunes] and me happened naturally. He makes me feel special. The sooner everyone realizes that my relationship with him is for real, the sooner we can all get on with our lives."

Continued Dunst: "It's not like America has never changed its mind. Do I need to mention a certain woman named Julia Roberts? Or Meg Ryan, while I'm at it? If you ask me, America doesn't know what it wants."

In response to Dunst's comments, the U.S. decided to go on a three-day bender.