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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Amid Controversy, NBA Announces Even Stricter Dress Code

NEW YORK—With the newly implemented dress code being met with criticism from players like Allen Iverson and Marcus Camby, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that he will clarify any and all concerns by imposing an even stricter, more detailed code of dress and conduct so that players can more accurately follow it to the letter.

"Because we are dealing with people who perform at the professional level, we ask that they dress and behave like professionals, as well," Stern said. "They have no excuse to act like over-muscled louts who spend their time bouncing a ball around the gym."

Under the new guidelines, players will be forced to adhere to a code of dress "befitting a gentleman," with all outfits officially sanctioned by Brooks Brothers and all hairstyles needing full approval of NBA Director of Barbering Bill Laimbeer. In addition, outside promotional deals with clothing manufacturers that encourage or condone sloppy dress will be terminated, a measure that will cost many players millions of dollars in external revenue, with the exception of Kenyon Martin, whose current endorsement deal with the Men's Wearhouse will be upheld as an example for his peers.

Stern said the decision to install the dress code came in response to too many of his sport's stars dressing up like "wannabe NBA players."

"The NBA wants its players to reflect the refined and dignified qualities of the game itself," Stern said. "If it takes an unassuming navy-blue serge three-button suit, paired with a maroon and gray tie and a sensible pair of wingtips, to make a player look like the kind of young man I'd be unafraid to welcome into my own home, then so be it."

Stern added: "CEOs and other executives who watch and support this sport want to see basketball players on the court, but off the court, they want to see guys dressed up in suits just like everyone else in the world."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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