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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Amid Controversy, NBA Announces Even Stricter Dress Code

NEW YORK—With the newly implemented dress code being met with criticism from players like Allen Iverson and Marcus Camby, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that he will clarify any and all concerns by imposing an even stricter, more detailed code of dress and conduct so that players can more accurately follow it to the letter.

"Because we are dealing with people who perform at the professional level, we ask that they dress and behave like professionals, as well," Stern said. "They have no excuse to act like over-muscled louts who spend their time bouncing a ball around the gym."

Under the new guidelines, players will be forced to adhere to a code of dress "befitting a gentleman," with all outfits officially sanctioned by Brooks Brothers and all hairstyles needing full approval of NBA Director of Barbering Bill Laimbeer. In addition, outside promotional deals with clothing manufacturers that encourage or condone sloppy dress will be terminated, a measure that will cost many players millions of dollars in external revenue, with the exception of Kenyon Martin, whose current endorsement deal with the Men's Wearhouse will be upheld as an example for his peers.

Stern said the decision to install the dress code came in response to too many of his sport's stars dressing up like "wannabe NBA players."

"The NBA wants its players to reflect the refined and dignified qualities of the game itself," Stern said. "If it takes an unassuming navy-blue serge three-button suit, paired with a maroon and gray tie and a sensible pair of wingtips, to make a player look like the kind of young man I'd be unafraid to welcome into my own home, then so be it."

Stern added: "CEOs and other executives who watch and support this sport want to see basketball players on the court, but off the court, they want to see guys dressed up in suits just like everyone else in the world."

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