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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Amid Controversy, NBA Announces Even Stricter Dress Code

NEW YORK—With the newly implemented dress code being met with criticism from players like Allen Iverson and Marcus Camby, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that he will clarify any and all concerns by imposing an even stricter, more detailed code of dress and conduct so that players can more accurately follow it to the letter.

"Because we are dealing with people who perform at the professional level, we ask that they dress and behave like professionals, as well," Stern said. "They have no excuse to act like over-muscled louts who spend their time bouncing a ball around the gym."

Under the new guidelines, players will be forced to adhere to a code of dress "befitting a gentleman," with all outfits officially sanctioned by Brooks Brothers and all hairstyles needing full approval of NBA Director of Barbering Bill Laimbeer. In addition, outside promotional deals with clothing manufacturers that encourage or condone sloppy dress will be terminated, a measure that will cost many players millions of dollars in external revenue, with the exception of Kenyon Martin, whose current endorsement deal with the Men's Wearhouse will be upheld as an example for his peers.

Stern said the decision to install the dress code came in response to too many of his sport's stars dressing up like "wannabe NBA players."

"The NBA wants its players to reflect the refined and dignified qualities of the game itself," Stern said. "If it takes an unassuming navy-blue serge three-button suit, paired with a maroon and gray tie and a sensible pair of wingtips, to make a player look like the kind of young man I'd be unafraid to welcome into my own home, then so be it."

Stern added: "CEOs and other executives who watch and support this sport want to see basketball players on the court, but off the court, they want to see guys dressed up in suits just like everyone else in the world."

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