Amish Give Up

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Amish Give Up

"This is bullshit," Elders Say

LANCASTER, PA—After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced Monday that Amish across the U.S. will abandon their traditional ways and adapt to modern American life.

“Fuck that,” said Amish Father Ezekiel Schmid at a Lancaster press conference. “This is pure bullshit.”

Schmid recounted the hard Amish life, in which many long hours are spent toiling under the hot sun in heavy black clothing without any refrigerated drinks or gas-powered farm machines. He spoke of the arduous task of raising barns by hand from dawn until dusk, and of laboriously churning his own butter without electrical power.

“I can’t believe we were such suckers,” Schmid said. “I feel like a fool.”

Schmid added that he will shave off his “ridiculous” Pennsylvania Dutch-style beard with no mustache, a look he says went out of fashion in “about 1820.”

“Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how stupid I looked?” he said.

According to Schmid, the Amish look forward to a wide variety of “alternative lifestyle” opportunities that now await them.

“I am indeed looking forward to wearing clothing that is a color other than black,” said Josephat Kreugger, a prominent Kruegger, an Amish counsel member. “I will try on some dark gray suits, perhaps even medium gray. I am also considering buying a charcoal-colored hat.”

Kreugger also expressed a desire to travel “twice the speed of horse.”

Many social changes await the Amish, as well.

“When I punish my son for not saying his prayers,” Mary Wittgenstein said, “I normally use a wooden switch taken from a tree. But now, think of the modern child-beating weapons that will be available to me in the outside world. Perhaps there are whips made especially for use on disobedient children, or muskets.”

Many Amish are looking forward to getting jobs in the real world. Amish farmer Abraham Verveert said he has greatly entertained other Amish people at church meetings with his rousing scripture readings, and hopes to capitalize on that talent by taking his Bible-reading on the road.

“I have readings scheduled at nightclubs and ballrooms across the country, and judging by the gleeful reaction of my Amish brethren, I believe I will find great success entertaining outsiders with my lively readings,” Verveert said. “This week, I will be reading a particularly delightful passage from Corinthians at the Sunrise Motor Inn in Kew Gardens, NY. You will surely want to be present.”

One Amish couple, Jacob and Sarah Neamer, plan to move to an apartment in a major city and adopt a modern lifestyle, but will continue to make a living the only way they know how.

“We will charge admission for people to enter our home and observe our lifestyle,” Sarah said. “For $12.50, or $10 with coupon, you can watch us as we cook meals and watch the television.”

One Amish entrepreneur, Lucas Hagen, is looking forward to taking full advantage of modern technology.

“I was often ostracized in the Amish community for my blasphemous ideas about loosening Amish traditions,” he said. “Now that I am free to explore life on the outside, I plan to buy a cable TV station and create an Amish Porn Channel.”

If successful, Hagen’s Amish Porn Channel will feature programs in which women take off their bonnets and expose their hair.

Amish Father Schmid is looking forward to being a policeman. “I want to rid the world of illegal butter churning,” he said somberly. “It is costing the government millions every year.”