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Amish Give Up

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Amish Give Up

"This is bullshit," Elders Say

LANCASTER, PA—After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced Monday that Amish across the U.S. will abandon their traditional ways and adapt to modern American life.

“Fuck that,” said Amish Father Ezekiel Schmid at a Lancaster press conference. “This is pure bullshit.”

Schmid recounted the hard Amish life, in which many long hours are spent toiling under the hot sun in heavy black clothing without any refrigerated drinks or gas-powered farm machines. He spoke of the arduous task of raising barns by hand from dawn until dusk, and of laboriously churning his own butter without electrical power.

“I can’t believe we were such suckers,” Schmid said. “I feel like a fool.”

Schmid added that he will shave off his “ridiculous” Pennsylvania Dutch-style beard with no mustache, a look he says went out of fashion in “about 1820.”

“Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how stupid I looked?” he said.

According to Schmid, the Amish look forward to a wide variety of “alternative lifestyle” opportunities that now await them.

“I am indeed looking forward to wearing clothing that is a color other than black,” said Josephat Kreugger, a prominent Kruegger, an Amish counsel member. “I will try on some dark gray suits, perhaps even medium gray. I am also considering buying a charcoal-colored hat.”

Kreugger also expressed a desire to travel “twice the speed of horse.”

Many social changes await the Amish, as well.

“When I punish my son for not saying his prayers,” Mary Wittgenstein said, “I normally use a wooden switch taken from a tree. But now, think of the modern child-beating weapons that will be available to me in the outside world. Perhaps there are whips made especially for use on disobedient children, or muskets.”

Many Amish are looking forward to getting jobs in the real world. Amish farmer Abraham Verveert said he has greatly entertained other Amish people at church meetings with his rousing scripture readings, and hopes to capitalize on that talent by taking his Bible-reading on the road.

“I have readings scheduled at nightclubs and ballrooms across the country, and judging by the gleeful reaction of my Amish brethren, I believe I will find great success entertaining outsiders with my lively readings,” Verveert said. “This week, I will be reading a particularly delightful passage from Corinthians at the Sunrise Motor Inn in Kew Gardens, NY. You will surely want to be present.”

One Amish couple, Jacob and Sarah Neamer, plan to move to an apartment in a major city and adopt a modern lifestyle, but will continue to make a living the only way they know how.

“We will charge admission for people to enter our home and observe our lifestyle,” Sarah said. “For $12.50, or $10 with coupon, you can watch us as we cook meals and watch the television.”

One Amish entrepreneur, Lucas Hagen, is looking forward to taking full advantage of modern technology.

“I was often ostracized in the Amish community for my blasphemous ideas about loosening Amish traditions,” he said. “Now that I am free to explore life on the outside, I plan to buy a cable TV station and create an Amish Porn Channel.”

If successful, Hagen’s Amish Porn Channel will feature programs in which women take off their bonnets and expose their hair.

Amish Father Schmid is looking forward to being a policeman. “I want to rid the world of illegal butter churning,” he said somberly. “It is costing the government millions every year.”

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