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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Amish Give Up

"This is bullshit," Elders Say

LANCASTER, PA—After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced Monday that Amish across the U.S. will abandon their traditional ways and adapt to modern American life.

“Fuck that,” said Amish Father Ezekiel Schmid at a Lancaster press conference. “This is pure bullshit.”

Schmid recounted the hard Amish life, in which many long hours are spent toiling under the hot sun in heavy black clothing without any refrigerated drinks or gas-powered farm machines. He spoke of the arduous task of raising barns by hand from dawn until dusk, and of laboriously churning his own butter without electrical power.

“I can’t believe we were such suckers,” Schmid said. “I feel like a fool.”

Schmid added that he will shave off his “ridiculous” Pennsylvania Dutch-style beard with no mustache, a look he says went out of fashion in “about 1820.”

“Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how stupid I looked?” he said.

According to Schmid, the Amish look forward to a wide variety of “alternative lifestyle” opportunities that now await them.

“I am indeed looking forward to wearing clothing that is a color other than black,” said Josephat Kreugger, a prominent Kruegger, an Amish counsel member. “I will try on some dark gray suits, perhaps even medium gray. I am also considering buying a charcoal-colored hat.”

Kreugger also expressed a desire to travel “twice the speed of horse.”

Many social changes await the Amish, as well.

“When I punish my son for not saying his prayers,” Mary Wittgenstein said, “I normally use a wooden switch taken from a tree. But now, think of the modern child-beating weapons that will be available to me in the outside world. Perhaps there are whips made especially for use on disobedient children, or muskets.”

Many Amish are looking forward to getting jobs in the real world. Amish farmer Abraham Verveert said he has greatly entertained other Amish people at church meetings with his rousing scripture readings, and hopes to capitalize on that talent by taking his Bible-reading on the road.

“I have readings scheduled at nightclubs and ballrooms across the country, and judging by the gleeful reaction of my Amish brethren, I believe I will find great success entertaining outsiders with my lively readings,” Verveert said. “This week, I will be reading a particularly delightful passage from Corinthians at the Sunrise Motor Inn in Kew Gardens, NY. You will surely want to be present.”

One Amish couple, Jacob and Sarah Neamer, plan to move to an apartment in a major city and adopt a modern lifestyle, but will continue to make a living the only way they know how.

“We will charge admission for people to enter our home and observe our lifestyle,” Sarah said. “For $12.50, or $10 with coupon, you can watch us as we cook meals and watch the television.”

One Amish entrepreneur, Lucas Hagen, is looking forward to taking full advantage of modern technology.

“I was often ostracized in the Amish community for my blasphemous ideas about loosening Amish traditions,” he said. “Now that I am free to explore life on the outside, I plan to buy a cable TV station and create an Amish Porn Channel.”

If successful, Hagen’s Amish Porn Channel will feature programs in which women take off their bonnets and expose their hair.

Amish Father Schmid is looking forward to being a policeman. “I want to rid the world of illegal butter churning,” he said somberly. “It is costing the government millions every year.”

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