Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 39

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.

Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Late Night

Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store

PITTSBURGH—Since discovering the electronics retailer by chance at the beginning of his ritual period of experimentation outside the strict regimen of the Amish life, 16-year-old Isaac Stoltzfus has spent every day of his rumspringa at a local Apple Store, sources reported Monday. “This place is amazing! Everyone here is super-friendly, and they let me try out all these neat computers and phones and stuff without pressuring me to buy anything,” said Stotzfus, who reportedly can be seen at the store’s entrance at sunrise each morning, waiting for the doors to open. “I love the interactive displays and presentations, of course, but probably my favorite thing to do here is just stand back and take in the atmosphere of the whole place. I had no idea the modern world was so shiny.” Stolzfus added that he typically spends his entire day in the Apple Store, leaving only briefly to “head around the corner for a Jamba Juice.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More