adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Amnesty International Blasts Conditions Of NHL Penalty Boxes

LONDON—Exposing widespread cases of rampant neglect and overly harsh treatment, human rights organization Amnesty International released a damning report Friday decrying the cruel and inhumane conditions of NHL penalty boxes. “Confining players against their will in these filthy and incredibly cramped enclosures is absolutely unacceptable in today’s modern game,” read an excerpt from the report, which also demanded accountability from the NHL after penalized players as young as 18 were found to be subjected to relentless abuse by opposing fans in arenas across the league. “The floors are often covered with the spit and refuse of previous offenders, with two players sometimes forced to share the same putrid, unhygienic penalty box. This brutal punishment is handed out for even the smallest of infractions—in some cases a five-minute sentence for a bullshit cross-checking call—and the NHL has simply turned a blind eye to this incredibly serious issue.” The report went on to heavily criticize the league’s barbaric policy of forcing a penalized player to watch as his teammates are reduced to playing short-handed.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close