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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Amnesty International Blasts Conditions Of NHL Penalty Boxes

LONDON—Exposing widespread cases of rampant neglect and overly harsh treatment, human rights organization Amnesty International released a damning report Friday decrying the cruel and inhumane conditions of NHL penalty boxes. “Confining players against their will in these filthy and incredibly cramped enclosures is absolutely unacceptable in today’s modern game,” read an excerpt from the report, which also demanded accountability from the NHL after penalized players as young as 18 were found to be subjected to relentless abuse by opposing fans in arenas across the league. “The floors are often covered with the spit and refuse of previous offenders, with two players sometimes forced to share the same putrid, unhygienic penalty box. This brutal punishment is handed out for even the smallest of infractions—in some cases a five-minute sentence for a bullshit cross-checking call—and the NHL has simply turned a blind eye to this incredibly serious issue.” The report went on to heavily criticize the league’s barbaric policy of forcing a penalized player to watch as his teammates are reduced to playing short-handed.

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