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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Amount Of Water Man Just Used To Wash Dish To Be Prize Of Hand-To-Hand Combat Match In 2065

HARTFORD, CT—Noting how it would one day be regarded as an almost unimaginably precious bounty, sources confirmed Tuesday that the quantity of water local resident Kevin Lachowsky just used to wash a single dish will be the same amount awarded as the grand prize of hand-to-hand death matches in the year 2065. According to reports, the volume of water that passed down the 33-year-old’s drain as he cleaned a small salad bowl will, in 50 years’ time, be battled over by pairs of men who will repeatedly slam each other into the rock walls of a shallow pit in an attempt to kill one another and claim the life-sustaining reward for themselves. The victors in these future melees will, by all accounts, gladly choke the last shreds of life out of their opponents given the overwhelming motivation provided by the equivalent of the 17 seconds of tap water that Lachowsky had recently used to remove a thin film of leftover salad dressing from the ceramic vessel. At press time, sources reported that the amount of water Lachowsky continued to let run from his faucet while placing the newly clean dish in the drying rack would, half a century from now, be the quantity exchanged when selling a human being into slavery.


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