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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Amount Of Water Man Just Used To Wash Dish To Be Prize Of Hand-To-Hand Combat Match In 2065

HARTFORD, CT—Noting how it would one day be regarded as an almost unimaginably precious bounty, sources confirmed Tuesday that the quantity of water local resident Kevin Lachowsky just used to wash a single dish will be the same amount awarded as the grand prize of hand-to-hand death matches in the year 2065. According to reports, the volume of water that passed down the 33-year-old’s drain as he cleaned a small salad bowl will, in 50 years’ time, be battled over by pairs of men who will repeatedly slam each other into the rock walls of a shallow pit in an attempt to kill one another and claim the life-sustaining reward for themselves. The victors in these future melees will, by all accounts, gladly choke the last shreds of life out of their opponents given the overwhelming motivation provided by the equivalent of the 17 seconds of tap water that Lachowsky had recently used to remove a thin film of leftover salad dressing from the ceramic vessel. At press time, sources reported that the amount of water Lachowsky continued to let run from his faucet while placing the newly clean dish in the drying rack would, half a century from now, be the quantity exchanged when selling a human being into slavery.


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